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In a recent telepathic interview with FOX TV HATE SPEECH Common-traitor, Glenn Beck denied that he is "GAY".
"I know that I look queer, but, I am not! I am just queer looking! Not a problem! I got that an awful lot as a kid, but, I can say with certainly that I am not gay. Absolutely not gay. Queer,maybe, in the sense of odd, strange, but , not gay," he explained to our disoriented team of cracked investigative reporters, IAMA LIAR and HE'S A FIBBER, two illegal immigrants from Armenia that we picked up at LAX instead of our baggage.
IMA was trained by the Russians as a telepathic spy during the Cold War, but was let go when authorities discovered that he was a "fake". He used his considerable telephonic abilities to get a job as a hand towel in the Men's room of a local YMCA where he met a number of American celebrities, including former California Governor Arnie Schwarzenegger and movie star John Travolta bent over a weight lifting machine in a compromising position. After an awkward moment, Arnie and John agree to fly him to LA in John's jet but, inexplicably, dumped him at the airport NUDE AND ABUSED.
Long story short, IAMA, now heads up our less than prestigious investigative Journalism Department here at the Bird Droppings Institute on a Rupert Murdoch fellowship. Thanks Mr. Murdoch, otherwise IAMA would still be in jail on "Indecent Exposure" charges.
He's A Fibber, a half Jewish, half Armenia pit bull, tags along for the fun of it on all assignmemnts. No one knows much about He's A Fibber, but most people generally prefer him over IaMA LIAR. They like the way he wags his tail. Also, we were advised by our attorneys, Cheat-em and Howe, "Not to Ask - Not to Tell," which is OK with us since we are not paying either one.
"Mr. Heck ...I ...," started IAMA, a little hesitantly for Glenn.
"It's Beck, B*E*C*K, you namby-pamby Jack WAGON!" shot back, Glenn Beck.
"Sorry, Mister Jackass," apologized OUR HALF-WIT, hearing impaired reporter.
" - Beck", insisted Glenn, as he sucked down Coke after Coke from an old fashioned glass bottle in a very provocative manner. IAMA noted in his Wikileak Journal (that we later sold to Julian) -
"Mr. Beck kept HIS COKE IN A locked safe in his inner office next to his extensive private collection of Kiddie Porn that he alledgedly purchased from Michael Jackson's estate during his annual homage to Neverland".
Beck noticed IAMA IDIOT starring lustfull at his literature and stated voluntarily, "Just because I married my wife when she was 14 doesn't make me a pediphile. In Utah the age of consent is eleven."
IAMA started again, " I know you say you are not gay - but those lips say something else! How do you explain that?"
"Well, IMA. You see, I am just like you. I am the Common Man - the common woman, the Average Joe, the Soccer Mom all rolled into one. I am the common man despite the fact that I make $680,000 per week and you don't. I am just like you."
"No, you aren't. I make $68.50 per week," replied IA-MA, our cracked reporter, who inflated his earnings.
"Well, IMA, you see, as a child I sucked tomatoes EVERY CHANCE I GOT! Loved the long hard one and I think that is what started the rumors," Beck responded and demonstrated his tomato sucking technique which IMA had to admit was impressive and a little erotic.
"Sucked Tomatoes? Who is this Mr. Tomato?" asked IMA, curiously. "Is Tomato a fruit, too."
"No, tomatoe is a vegetable, not a fruit."
"Are the you the fruit?", IMA asked acquisitively.
"No, no. The fruit: Tomato...is a fruit not as many people think a vegestable, you know," Beck laughed, then broke into song to illuminate his point.
"You say toe-ma-toe, I say To-mah-to. You say Po-ta-toe, I say Po-ta-to. Love Makes The World Go Round." Beck chuckles at himself, blew a kiss toward IMA ike a real Broadway dancer, removed his glasses and wiped the filthy lens with the tip of his T-shirt and chortled, again before sucking down an entire crate of tomatoes.
IA-MA: "For someone that says he isn't gay . . . you sure act like a Broadway Dancer 'Gay Blade.' Are you sure you aren't a little fruity?"
Glenn: "Oh, yes, I am as straight as an arrow. I'm one hundred percent homo free. Thanks to my Church I am a heterosexual. I can't be gay. Mormons don't believe in "Gay, Global Warming, Darwinism, or Socialism. By the way, that is a lovely shirt, it really makes your eyes stand out. Just joking, you know."
IA-MA: "I know you a joke, OK. If you are hetero - not a homo, let me ask you some hetero questions? OK?"
Glenn: "Sure, go ahead. I am straight. I am game."
IA-MA: "Yes, you are a game, all right. Well, if-a you are straight would you sleep with SHARON ANGLE?"
Glenn, without even thinking, blinking or nodding, which is very easy for him, blurted out, "Hell No. Have you seen that witch? Man, that bag full of Tea Party Nutcakes is sinfully ugly, but, I do agree with her politics."
IA-MA: "Angle wants to do away with Social Security and Medicare. Do you agree with that?"
Glenn: "Of course, don't you understand, IA-MA, that the Founding Fathers never meant for the government to take care of people. Social Security is socialism and Medicare is for dead beats."
IA-MA: "YOU MEAN LIKE YOUR MOMA?"
GLENN: "Yes, we have got to get back to the principles of our Founding Fathers: ' No Vote For Women. No Vote For Blacks; Election of the President by Congress, Slavery Protected by the Constitution. This Country is swimming in red ink. And the only way to save it is get back to our Christian heritage upon which this great country was built by our Masonic Fathers."
IA-MA: "IA-MA new to this country - but, to me, it seems like it is a swimming in guns, hate and Tea Party insanity."
Glenn: "That's just the American way. . . the 2nd Amendment Way. The Christian Way: Bibles and Guns - that's what it is all about. Hey, I am having a private party would you want to stop by?"
IA-MA: "Thanks, but no thanks - Iama nota gay, yet."
Our illegal, spy camera zoomed back as they kiss check to check in the European fashion and bid "adieu".
Glenn shouted after IAMA as he raced out of Beck's office, "Remember, I'M NOT GAY! Just look queer."
IAMA shouted back as he jumps into his car and guns it to get out of the parking lot with Glenn in pursuit, "Me Thinks, You Protest to much! " and raced out of sight.
The above story is true except for the parts that aren't. It was submitted under duress by IAMA QUIET Different, a part time idiot and full time moron for the Bird Dropping Institute, a Think Tank For Smart Ale-cs, located Just a Sharp Right Turn From Commonsense.
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