Ex half-Governor Sarah Palin, the darling of the Tea Republicans and the Faux Christian Evangelical Born Again, End Timers, aka the Twisted Conservative party is making headlines again! "I Slept With Sarah Palin's Husband," is the hot, eye popping headline splattered across America's grocery check out aisles with a tantalizing story on the inside filled with all the slimy details that our modern public demands from their journalistic sources. An insatiable need to know every scrap of information about this low rated Realty TV star and her brood of non scholastic wining off-springs on their quixotic trek to become the nation's FIRST FAMILY IN 2012
Apparently, a part time massage therapist/full time prostitute admitted that she has been providing Sarah Palin'shusband with a lot more than a medical massage. Shailey Tripp admitted that she gave Sarah Palina a massage in the same room where she allegedly had "paid for sex" with Palin's husband Todd, according to our Journalistic Bible, the eminent and highly dubious National Enquirer, in its February 7th, 2011 edition, ON SELL NOW at a grocery store near you!
Shailey Tripp, the alleged prostitute and licensed massage therapist, claims that Todd visited her business, Blue Hands Massage, where she was arrested and charged with prostitution on March 10th 2010. She claimed that Todd visited her on numerous (more than one) occassions. Other businesses in the same complex collaborated Shailey's story and reported that they saw Todd Palin enter the Blue Hands Massage several times. They said that they recognized him because he always drove the same "ratty dog sled and boasted loudly that he once won the IDidItToAynRand once, too."
The business owners refused to be identified, but did said that they heard what could only be described as "loud noises associated with someone having sex". They explained that holding a upside down drinking glass against the walls separating their respective offices enhanced the sounds and made it crystal clear what was going on in there. And, because they weren't having any fun, themselves, they called the police and reported those that were. Wow! Talk about sour grapes.
"The really sad thing about this," noted our lead investigator, Gotcha Pigeon, (a repentant carrier witha reputation-for flying far from the truth due to a defect in his homing devise) stated to two indifferent winos and a waste can, that it "is too bad that Shailey is the prostitute. She has got to be the ugliest prostitute in Alaska! It's one thing to get caught with a beautiful call girl, like Spitzerdid, then become a political pundit on national TV, but having sex with a sad eyed Grizzly Bear looking prostitute is a no-no and that's got to be bad news," he noted just before our unlicensed reporters was slapped into jail for jay walking in downtown Wasilla, Alaska.
"How can I get a ticket for Jay walking? I'm a pigeon," he protested to the arresting officer, who, like everyone in Wasilla, is believed to be a less crossed eyed relative of Palin.
"Todd Palin," suggested one blogger, "will now get his own television show on Fox," noted our solo blogger on our telepathic site,"just like Dick Morris did after his scandal." Dick, a political adviser to Bill Clinton, got busted for using political funds to pay a prostitute to let him suck her toes and Rupert Murdoch, CEO, News, Inc., found that deficient grounds to hired Mr. Morris as a guest commentator on Fox TV Network News," where he has made a home for himself ever since.
"Fox has a reputation to keep up," chimed in Reverend Oral Fleece, our spiritual adviser, here, at the Bird Droppings Institute, a Think Tank For Smart Alec's, when he heard the potentially embarrassing news about the Palin family's patriarch. "Fox will offer him a job, mark my words," he added. "Remember when Bill O'Reilly got himself in a bit of a sexual bind with one of his employees?"
O'Reilly was sued my his female producer for sexual harassment and settled out of court for allegedly $3,000,000. The producer claimed that Bill was always pressuring her to have unwanted sex with him and "a third party."
Sean Hannity vehemently denied that he was the third party for the menage tois. O'Reilly's people aren't talking but Bill has told reporters in the past that he thought Sean was very cute and had a school boy crush on him. Bill, caught with his thoughts around his ankles had to coughed up millions of dollars for an out of court settlement and went on to greater fame writing Children's Book with morality themes.
A number of viewers told our deaf, dumb and blind pollsters that they tuned into O'Reilly to see "what the slime ball" looked like and fell ill at what they saw. Most agreed that the only way Bill, at 6'5", skinny as a rail, balding and with a personality like stale beer, was going to get any sex - was if he paid for it!
"Bad Publicity or Good Publicity is still Publicity," added, the not too camera shy, Reverend Oral Fleece as he ran around the Dallas Airport with a "Sarah Palin In 2012" bumper sticker across his naked bumper, until the Police and Homeland Security threw him into a vat of chocolate to get him to settle down.
Sarah Palin, when asked telepathically about this newest sexual scandal, replied tersely: "It was just a bunch of blood libel from jealous liberals that wanted to have sex with Todd but didn't have his phone number".
"Liberals," reported our ill informed and nearly illiterate reporter, "have shamelessly attempted to use this unfortunate incident as an example of the need for health care for hookers and are making some headway with representatives in the Obama administration, who are desirous of covering everyone in America at tax payer expense, of course. Of course, Socialism, High Five."
John Boehner, (R) West Chester, Ohio and the newly elected "Weeper of the House" was quoted as say: "Igetnnnyying." He was "obviously drunk again or crying uncontrollably," stated our less than reliable reporter and Mitch McConnell was no where in sight to translate for the soused speaker.
WATCH for the Todd Palin Rates Hookers Show coming to a Fox TV News Network soon! WAKE UP AMERICA AND SMELL THE POOH.