He was an old man, Elijah J. Coyote, the camel hunter. He hunted in the Sahara desert and had gone 84 days without taking a camel or an Excedrin. In the first 40 days the boy had been with him.

The boy was quiet, mostly because the old man practiced tying knots with his tongue. Thus tongue tied, the boy had bad breath, cauliflower ears and a face that looked as if he had entered life directly from an explosion. He was in a word, a Republican.

The old man was in sad shape, too. He had only one eye and suffered from post nasal drip and he was addicted to watching Glenn Beck on Fox TV Network News. He was, nonetheless, quite talkative and lively. Unfortunately, most of his witticism was expended on the empty night and his mentally challenged donkey, Kyoto, for the people of the oasis had long since given up on his incoherent babbling and conspiracy theories.

Nevertheless, the duo brought much merriment to the oasis. They were spat upon by the lowest of camel drivers, evangelical, born again, Conservative Christian End of Timers and periodically stone in the market place, for they were Southern Baptists.

After 40 days without a camel, the boy's parent had insisted that the old man was a dirty pervert, which is the worst kind of Southern Baptist, and the boy had gone at their insistence with another camel herder.

On the 84^th day the old man return from his trek in the desert once more empty handed. The boy met the old one and offered him some fermented sheep dip.

“Yo, old man, you vant thum vermented sheep dip?” he lisped, for the boy was also tongue tied by his new camel herder, Newt Gingrich.

“Yes, that would be lovely,” answered the old one, who accepted because in addition to being old, unlucky in the hunt, he was a freeloader. They sat beneath a curb and drank the lumpy dip and talked.

Their talk soon turned to the Great Sport: The Pat Robinson Conservative, Evangelical, Right Wing Politics and its number one pluck, Sarah Palin. They spoke admiringly of Rush Limbaugh and of his affair with Ann Coulture before she turned gay and started sleeping with Bill O' Reilly. At this point, the boy made the mistake of saying that he considered Bill O' Easily Riled Up an even greater threat than Rush.

The old one explained that such thoughts were the result of eating too much sheep dip and would not be tolerated by the NRC central committee and that the boy would be banished for not being Conservative enough. The boy attempted to appease the old one by saying that Bill and Rush were equal. This so enraged the old one that he jumped to his feet and kicked the boy squarely in the groin. Then he kicked the sleeping camel squarely in the groin, in a groin kicking frenzy without a groin to kick, he kicked himself squarely in the groin. (The old one liked to kick. He had played fubol in his youth).

The boy thanked the old man and they quickly went off to prepare supper. After a hot meal of camel hump and deep friend goat nuts, the old man fell asleep in the dirt, still kicking himself in the groin, and the boy went home alone. The old man slept and dream t of traffic jams in New York City and of his early youth in the Young Republicans and of abstinence. He was awakened just before first light by Sarah Palin licking his feet for an early vote. The old one rose, scratched Palin's twisted sister's head and told her, “We're through! Go Home to Alaska, your family needs you – America does not!”

The old one led his slow witted donkey to the boy's shack only to find the boy still asleep. As was his custom, he bite deeply into the boy's leg to awaken him, then stumbled outside to consider the day's course of action.

The boy moaned and sat up on his rag-pile bed. He groped in the corner for his little box of used flesh-colored band aides. He was able to close this latest gaping wound with seven well placed band aids and one ounce of Crazy glue. The boy then gathered a tuft of grass and a length of new rope from a shelf and went out to the old man, who was sitting in the dirt idly killing flies with a hammer. The boy bowed deeply and presented the rope and grass. The old man fondled the gifts momentarily and then placed them on his still sleeping donkey.

“Where'd ya get 'em?” he asked suspiciously.

“I sthold 'em from the 'Weeper of the House', Johnnie (The Cry Baby) Boehner, while he was having sex with a lobbyist on the floor of the house,” the boy answered proudly.

The old one had read the Oxford Concordance Bible and new that stealing was wrong.

“How many damn times, I tell you no steal? Huh?” he screamed. Banging a lobbyist is OK - stealing is bad,” he said. He must have intended it as a rhetorical statement, for he did not wait for a reply. He smashed his fist into the boys groin and cursed, “Heathen!”

His moral obligation fulfilled, the old man climbed on his donkey and rode toward the edge of town and the vast desert. He had not been out long before his confidence weakened. For one thing, he realized that he was lost.

The sun was high in the sky and it burned his only eye. He stared at if for several moments and wondered why it didn't burn his eye at night. He wondered, too, where the sun went at night. Such metaphysical questions soon gave the old man a headache and he turned to more practical matter like stomping out the grass fire that raged in his hip pocket. He beat the fire out with the palm of his hand, placed the grass in his Dr. Garbo pipe and smoke pleasantly.

Bouncing along on the back of his now deranged donkey, scorched, thirsty, and in the need of a piss, he wondered about the wisdom of his decision to become a glorious camel hunter. He once had a good job back at the oasis, as a Congressional aide, until his Congressman stuck his hand too far down the front of his pants. It paid well and wasn't too difficult but the constant calls from Glenn Beck were tedious and worn him out.

As a child, he had heard of the great struggles of the camel hunters and of the crossed eyed virgins they conquered upon returning from a hunt. And then one day he saw the picture of a renowned camel hunter on a bubble gum card, and he knew that camel hunting was his destiny.

“So, here I am, “he snorted defiantly, “hunting camels.” The old one knew in his bone, and in his stomach, that this was his day to catch a camel or take an Excedrin. Not just any camel, but a truly great camel, a camel who would fight honorably and fiercely . . . and they just quit like the Democrats did in the midterm election.

The old one rode farther into the desert than he or the donkey had ever gone: past the Howard Johnson's, past the American advisory outpost, even past the Freudian phallic symbol.

The old man was on the verge of slashing his wrists with his rusty army bayonet when suddenly the black cloud of flies hovering over his head froze in mid-flight and dropped to the hot sand. The old man raised his wrinkled head and listened. Somehow he knew, without actually seeing, that a giant camel was on the other side of the dune. Perhaps it was the hunter's sixth sense. Perhaps, it was the large neon sign that blinked on and off:

“GIANT CAMEL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF SAND DUNE!”

Methodically, as if in a trance (which he was, since her was drunk), he tied the rope into a square knot and slipped it securely around the clump of still smoldering grass. He tossed the knotted end of the rope expertly over the sand dune and waited. The old man waited and waited and waited. Why he hunted like this no one knew, there he was lurking behind a sand dune. The tension mounted, the pressure quadrupled, but the old man maintained his composure by screaming and guzzling on a flash of kerosene.

He felt the camel take the knot. He waited the camel to swallow; for he knew that setting the knot before it reached the camel's stomach would be cowardly and ineffective. He was many things, but he was not an ineffective coward.

He heard the camel munching the grass. He waited. He heard the camel swallowing the grass. He waited. He heard a loud belch. He jerked. Suddenly without fair warning, the camel lunged backwards, dragging the screaming old man and his reluctant donkey.

The rope snaked through the old man's fingers and he feared that he might lose his giant. He feared also that he might lose his pants, which during the excitement had fallen to his angles. The sun was hot on his cheeks. The camel, a four humped sardonic one, lunged forward in a desperate attempt to break the old one's hold. The old man retained his hold, but not his trousers.

Across the burning sand dunes the camel dragged the duo, stopping only once to relieve himself. The old man frantically tied himself to his donkey. He was glad that he had practiced many times with the boy's tongue. The camel bolted forward – this time more powerful than a locomotive, faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall sand dunes with two attempts. He was an extremely powerful camel - probably, the most extremely powerful camel in the Sahara Desert, a little clumsy, but powerful.

The old man prayed to God and promised Him 10 psalms, then 13 psalms, then 100 psalms if He would let the old one take the camel honorably. The donkey, insane, but not stupid, locked his legs in protest. It was a futile gesture. The camel dragged the stubborn donkey and trailing old man as effortlessly as if they were on water skis, which, of course, they were.

The old one curses the camel and told him how he would beat him, and kick him in the groin, if he could find his groin. Finally, the old one grew bitterly angry, like a Conservative Radio Talk Show Host and told the camel how he had always hated the camel and the cold desert, and, of how he would obscenity in the camels ear when he caught him.

The camel, however, wore ear muffs and did not hear the old man's cutting remarks.

Exhausted from his continuous battle, the old man collapsed and again dreamed of traffic jams in New York City and of a Tea Party/Mental Illness rally that he attended in the Village. Visions of Rand Paul running for re-election danced feverishly in his head and he saw Lindsey Graham in a dress lip locking Mike Huckabee in a Dallas Airport Men's room stall, while a line of Conservative Born Again Christians waited patiently in cue.

The giant camel, feeling the effects of a Pell Grant cut in half, sailed effortlessly over the huge sand dunes, flinging the old man and his donkey high in the air behind like a whip snapping over an invisible herd of incontinent Tea Republicans waving copies of the Constitution in one hand and the Confederate Flag in the other.

The old man awakened and again prayed to God. He promised another 1700 psalms, 5 preambles, 53 Pledge of Allegiances and a fifth of gin if he could just take the camel. Again he cursed the camel, the Tea Party and Glen Beck, in particular, for exposing the caliphate. And, again his hands were bleeding. But the giant camel pressed onward dragging the exhausted old man and his sleeping donkey.

Soon, too soon, they were near the Dead Seas Scrolls and the old man could see the Sun Also Rising from the dark salty water and he thought to himself, “So, that is where the sun goes at night. Well, I'll be damned.”

And damned he was, or at that precise moment the camel abruptly swerved and leaped into frothy brim pulling the near hysterical old man and his surprisingly calm donkey behind him. The old man cursed his fate and the John Birch Society who Society. When he got back to the oasis, if he got back, he promised himself that he would renounce his membership in the Republican Party and again vote for OBAMA, for he understood that now, more than ever, he would need his health care coverage.

Before long the giant camel, pulling the old man tied to the still sleeping donkey passed a giant fish pulling an old man in a boat. The old man shouted to the occupant of the boat as they passed each other, “Hell of a way to make a living, ain't it?” But his words went unanswered by the boat's occupant, who was too busy shoving a loaded shotgun into his mouth.

The camel eventually tired and turned instinctively toward the shore. Soon the old man was close to his giant camel, close enough to kick him in the groin, and he wondered about the size of his reproductive organ. But, before he could investigate, the camel, foaming at the mouth, like the Tea Party in 2012, fell dead, and drifted to the ragged edge shore.

The old man thought it sad that the camel had died. He had hoped to club it to death. Then, too, there was the problem of returning to the oasis. He thought of slinging the camel over the donkey's back, but then where would he ride? He would have to drag it as he did everything else, including the boy. The old one coaxed the donkey homeward with strategically placed judo chops and nude photos of Michelle Bachman. He knew that the vultures would soon come and prey upon his great giant camel. Anxiously, he goosed the donkey over the sand.

The old man saw the first one; it was a black speck in the sky. It hovered above for a short time, then glided down to rip at the camel's entrails. The old man shouted and threw his gym shoes at the offending vulture. The vulture, in a natural display of enviable athletic prowess swooped up his tattered gym shoes and flew off in the direction of the Tea Party Convention and disappeared from sight.

The old one cursed: “Damn it and damn the Tea & Nuts Party, now I've got no shoes to protect my feet from the hot sand. I am a stupid ass.” The donkey, in a moment of lucidity, nodded his head in agreement and spoke for the first time since the midterm massacre, “Dick Cheney Should Be Tried As A War Criminal. The lying sack of sh#$,” he said in perfect harmony.

The camels entrails and Obama birth certificate spilled on the scorching sand and the old one knew that soon more vultures would come to prey upon his giant camel and his baked red ass. He wished the boy were there. He would let the vultures eat the boy.

It was late afternoon, just after tea, when they came, hundreds of screeching, flapping, blood sucking vultures and registered Conservatives. They descended on the exposed carcass like wild dogs on a gut wagon. The old man screamed again and passed out. The Tea that he had consumed earlier was just too much for him to bear.

Soon there was nothing behind the donkey but the colossal remains and the long and lanky spinal cord of the once great camel. The donkey, dreaming of a water trough and of taking Congress back, dragged the old man and the belched white skeleton of the once great camel toward the oasis and the return of sanity.

The old man swooned and dreamed of a former Congressional PR director, who under the influences of much fermented goat milk, and given over by John Boehner, had gone to bed with him and was immediately turned to stone.

It was early morning and still dark when they arrived. The camel hunter were preparing to set out on their Arabian horses when they stumbled over the old man tied to his donkey and discovered the spinal cord and head of the once great camel. It was the largest camel ever caught in the written history of the oasis and there was much talk and a great deal of excitement, then the old man was stoned to death for bringing garbage back to the oasis, and, the donkey set free and made a hero.

In 2012, he took back the House, the Senate and won once more the White house!

In memory of Frank Corey! BILL WISSMAN and a Life Time Ago when people read poetry, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Poe, Sandburg, Kalih Gibran, Shelley, Walt Witt-man, Tennessee Williams, O'Neil, Bernard Shaw, Woody Allen, Mark Twain, Edwards Rice Burroughs, The Beatnik Poets, Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsburg, played guitars and listened to the wind - back then, when we were young - dancing, dancing in the wind. Backpacks for a headrest, a jug of wine, a book a verse and thou - back then when time stood still - when the world was before us!

Sarah Palin is mixing it up with potential rival Rick Santorum, suggesting the former Pennsylvania senator and presidential hopeful is a "knuckle-dragging Neanderthal."

The eyebrow-raising slap came in response to Santorum's recent comments that Palin was likely skipping an annual gathering of conservatives in Washington this weekend because of other "business opportunities" and her mothering responsibilities.

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Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) suggested on Sunday morning that former Alaska governor Sarah Palin could defeat President Barack Obama should she run as the Republican presidential nominee in 2012.

Is the Great party of Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan "Stuck On Stupid"? 

Chris Rock summed it up best when on the Letterman Show he was asked by Dave, if "America is ready for a Black President?"

Without batting an eye, Chris Rock, the black comedian, action-movie star and political pundit on BET, replied, "We were ready for a retarded one - why wouldn't we be ready for a Black President?" 

Stuck on Stupid!  That's where the Republican Party is today:  Stuck!  The RNC has allowed media freaks like Glenn Beck, (Fox TV Network News's soon to be fired mental case) and manic-depressive, Rush Limbaugh, creator of Hate-Speak Radio to set the platform for the Republican Party by reaching out indiscriminately to the legions of ignorant far-out, radical, right-wing nut-jobs that are still smarting from the "ass whooping" that they took back in the good old days:  the days of the Civil War; those wonderful, lovely, HATE filled days when 600,000 American killed each other over the right to enslave another.

THE SOUTH LONG S FOR those warm, romantic days of yore, when a civilized Southern gentlemen COULD whip his black slave "to within an inch of his life" AND DO IT, confidently so, knowing that his actions were protected under the full force of the original Constitution of the United States of America, so help me God!

 Let us all stand up, Brothers and Sisteers of the CORN-HOLE GENERATION, (put your bean bags down), and, let us thank God for the Original Founding Fathers not the Fake One and shoot someone in the head per Glenn Beck's request, jest fer fun, hallelujah! brother, pass the ammo! Some one be treading on my toes!  Wave the Flags:  CONFEDERATE AND AMERICAN!

Those were the great old patriotic days when a White Man had the right to sleep with any black woman that he owned, traded, or bought. And, women, as God wanted, had no rights, back in the pre-Civil War civilized days, when murder was necessary to cleanse the body politics and OK as long as the victims were Jews, Negros, Mexicans or any damn meddling Yankee.  Back in the days of mint juleps and no tolerance.

Today, in 2011, only 146 years later, these former Southern Conservative confederate sympathizers turned Ex-Klu Klus Klan-men and John Birch Society closet racists joined with the left-over hate-mongers from the failed Southern Christian Coalition and successfully morphed into an ugly cadre re-branded as the Tea Party, created by FOX TV NETWORK NEWS.

This clacking cluster of civics class challenged high school drop outs ARE PROUD TO BE "locked and loaded," AND are desperately seeking a scapegoat to blame for their dysfunctional liv-es.  

Their grey miserable lives brought on by repeatedly dropping out of school; bouts of excessive heavy alcoholic abuse; attending way too many loud NAS-CAR races; desensitized by hundred of hours wasted glued to their black and white TV sets worshiping World Wide Federation Wrestlers AND THE MORONS AT FOX TV.

Thus, say-est Dr. Freud Pigeon, these "wannabe" Conservatives are fantasing of a  up coming "live" completion at the "Biggest Smack-Down Of Really Inarticulate People IN WHICH THEY BeatThe Hell Out of Equally Stupid Muscle Bound Freaks With No Teeth, Who Vote A Straight Republican Ticket." (Why look at me - I don 't know what the F-word it means either.  I am merely the vessel).

Demonstrating through their use of tools, that they are not the lowest on the evolutionary chain by making weapons out of folding chairs, while they simultaneously ingest hands full of lead paint chips as their unsupervised brood of hell-raising heathen off off-springs roam the Mall of America looking for a queer to beat up, or to convert some innocent to their Born Again God, Bible Thumping, Holier Than Thou, Gay Bashing, Christian Church of the Hypocrite!

"Stuck on Stupid," it seems is the historic theme that permeates the party of Andrew Johnson, Ulysses S. Grant, Chester Arthur, Warren G. Harding, and, is the litmus test.   The best examples of STUPID: George W. Bush; Living Proof Positive that the Republican Party is jammed up. STUCK ON STUPID! CAUSE STUPID IS STUCK ON ME!

It appears to this impartial, non-partisan observer that The Republican Party, if history serve me right, has been for over one and forty six years; STUCK ON STUPID! (Except for Lincoln, who Republicans of his day wanted the great Republican to step down that a "better man" might run for re-election and petition the South for terms.) It seems that even then the majority of Republican party official were STUCK ON STUPID! (Repeating theme).

Today, the none to bright Neo-Republican ones, are quick to point out that their God, "Ronnie" Reagan, (1981-1989) wasn't stupid - he was just suffering from the on-set of Alzheimer's disease which explains his unnecessary racking up of the worst deficit of all times, the deficit that has no hope of being paid off for another hundred years. Reagen was responsible for the Republicans generous and compassionate policies of giving tax break to the rich and taking from the poor.

But, "Ronnie", our mesmerized Republican ditto heads, (complete with burr hair cuts and reading from their Karl Roves Handbook of Talking Points), preach incessantly that, "single-handily tore down the Berlin Wall, collapsed the Evil Empire and walked on the Moon".  He did these things with words, just by saying to Gorbachev, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"   

And, God tore the down the Wall of China for "Ronnie" by slamming Nancy Reagan stubborn, hard head into it until, like Jericho; it all came tumbling after. 

The "Evil Empire "was no more, largely because Ronnie called it an "Evil Empire" and once again, the former actor slayed the dragon with words from one of his movie script.  Meanwhile, while the Republican God, Ronnie, was president Ollie North illegally waged war from the basement of the White House while "Ronnie" and "Nancy" watched old movies of themselves and "Danced on the Graves of the Fallen Dead And Played Foo-ties in The Lincoln Bed," or, so I am advised by a voice inside my head.

When an unbiased, impartial and non-partisan political hack, such as myself, cast a cockeyed, "Fair and Balanced" eye on the slate of Republican Party's candidates proposed for nomination for the 2012 Presidential election, one can only ask:  IS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY STILL STUCK ON STUPID AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?

Consider if your will, without bursting into uncontrollable laughter, the list of candidates currently being promoted by the real Republican Party, FOX TV NETWORK FAUX NEWS:

• Donald "The Comb Over" Trump - "I am filthy rich, very smart and graduated from Wharton Business And Secretarial School."
• Newt Gingrich - "Please Don't Quote Me On Any Thing I Have Said In The Past.  I Was Drunk Most of the Time And Having an Affair With My Current Wife Before I Served Divorce Papers On My Second Wife As She Was Recuperating From Cancer Surgery and Before She Could Awaken Fully From the Anaesthetic's".
• Sarah Pal-in - "Drop-Out Governor Who Quit In Mid-Term To Become A Realty TV Has-Been And Fox TV Lousy Comedian."
• Mike Hackable - "Part-time Evangelical, Born-Again Preacher and Full Time Political Hate-Speak Christian Commentator for FOX TV".
• Mega-Mom and Anti-Masturbating Advocate, Michele Bach-man. (R) for Retarded!
• And, what's his face the "gay looking Boy Scout that recently started speaking with a Southern accent: Tim Aplenty NAVIETY?"

All of the above, much heralded Republican candidates are personal friends and employees of that "Great American Patriot", Rupert Murdoch, the Australian Scrooge and ex-patriot who pays these urchins million dollar fees as babbling, political hate-speech commentators for FOX TV NETWORK FLUX NEWS.

REPUBLICANS STILL STUCK ON STUPID AFTER ALL THESE YEARS? 

In my advanced wisdom-filled years, enlightened by homo home-schooled taught learning,  there is, I still believe, a shred of decency within, that tells me that what the Republican Party need to do is find a Black Southern politician; preferable one aligned with the new patriotic Tea Party, who believes that America should return to its origins - a form of government misused by our Founding Fathers, and, irrationally support a concept of governance guided exclusively by the "original" Constitution that allowed for slavery, counts Afro-Americans as 3/5 of a person; Denys women the right to vote, as God wants, and, only permits Rich White Senators to elect the President.

Find that black dumb-ass and the Republican Party will retain its place in history:  FOREVER STUCK ON STUPID!

Every disgraced politician or chastised political adviser that got the ax or was booted for a highly embarrassing "sexual imbroglio" is signed quickly by Fox TV Network News and given a million dollar contract to appear on their channel, representing Fox TV, as a so called, "Commentator," for a minimum of a $1,000,000 contract. Is this a new smart strategy by Roger Ailes, President and CEO of Fox TV Network News. Ailes is currently under a cloud, pending an eminent indictment. Some less generous critics argue that it is " ust a salacious, old fashioned pandering act to boost viewership." We report -Sort of; You Decide!

When Dick Morris, long time Clinton's political strategist, got himself into a "pickle" for his sexual proclivities and was publicly humiliated on national television for misusing political funds - Fox moved rapidly to hire him. Public opinion be damned! Dick apparently likes to unwind from a long day of "politicking" by frequently hiring an expensive prostitute so that he might leisurely indulge in his personal foot fetish: sucking prostitutes toes!

Morris was quietly let go by the Clinton's when the scandal broke and they graciously never said a negative word about him. However, Dick's scorned, angry, long suffering wife blew the whistle on his unusal perversion when she filed a very public divorce and his sexual secret was out of the proverbial bag.

Undaunted by the negative publicity surrounding Morris, the folks at Fox TV immediately hired him as a highly political "commentator" and paired him with their own sexual predator, Bill O'Reilly. O'Reillyand Morris got on famously, sharing similar odd sexual fantasies, (according to an Fox insiders) and even "pall-ed" around together after work. Bill was much taken with the overt Morris and frequently had him on "The Factor" as a guest. Bill would always lavish praise on the short, fat, squat, little man who talks rapidly and with a ldistinct lisps that may come from his fetish.

Bill (Easily Riled Up) O'Reilly, at that time, was having his own sexual difficulties with one of his immediate employees. O'Reilly, the strong Family Values newsman, was being sued by his female TV producer for "sexual harassment." She claimed that she got tired of Bill pressuring her to have a menage trios with him and always turning their professional work conversations to discussions or questions about her personal sex life.

The female producer finally sued Fox and O'Reilly and they settled out of court for a whopping settlement estimated at $3,000,000. Fox TV did not reprimand this on-air sicko for "sexual harassment." Even through O'Reilly's ratings took a nose dive as a direct result of the sordid details leaked from the "sexual harassment lawsuit", as it made its way though the legal process Fox took no action against their star reporter. Nor did Fox TV require that O'Reilly get "professional sexual counseling," attend a sexual awareness seminar, or refrain from similar acts in the future. In fact, the lecherous, sexual harasser was awarded with a raise and allowed to author a children book on "morality" with Fox's network bigwigs blessings.

Newt Gingrich, a much ballyhooed 2012 Conservative Republican nominee for President of the United States of America was forced to resign as Speaker of the House for "Conflict of Interests." Newt was drummed out of Congress, forced to resign his Congressional seat from Georgia and booted from the very powerful leadership by his own party. Again, Fox TV jumped on the opportunity to sign Newt to a lucrative million dollar contract before the "dust even settled" on his expulsion from Congress.

Newt, as most casual observers recalls, was the Republican architect behind the strategy to "Impeach Clinton" for having an illicit sexual affair with Monica Lewinsky, a White House intern. Newt made the national media rounds daily and appeared on every news outlet available excoriating Clinton for his "lack of judgement," and "disgraceful behavior" while building the case to impeach the president under the provisions set forth in the Constitution entitled, "Crimes and Misdemeanors."

Ironically, Newt was, at that time, having a similar "hot, illicit sexual affair"with one of his own political adviser on his staff while still married to his second (2ND wife). When the affair broke in the news, Newt scramble to "right things" by serving his wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital recuperating from cancer. Recently, he married his third wife and converted to Catholicism.

Sarah Palin, the notorious half governor from Alaska and her family have been embroiled in so many sexual escapades that it would make the TV bedroom antics of the gals on "The Beverly Hills Housewives" look lame by comparison. Sarah's husband, Todd, the unemployed "First Dude" is the subject of a massage/prostitute bust in his home state of Alaska, and, the prostitute, Shailey Tripp, claims that she had a two year, weekly, "sexual affair" with the "First Dude." Sarah was lso aaccused of having a sexual affair with Todd business partner, while Todd was away from home on frequent business trips. Bristol, her teenage daughter, gave birth as a teenager out of wed-locked and refused to marry the teenage father of her baby, Levi Johnson, who went on to fame and appeared in a nude photo layout in Playgirl magazine. Her youngest daughter kicked up another "social network dust storm" recently with her Internet "gay bashing."

Currently, The Palin Family, who want to become America's First Family, are joking referred to as the "aka White Trailer Park Trash from Alaska," are appearing in their own Reality TV cable show exposing one ludicrous family shocker after another about his dysfunctional family. Naturally, Fox TV hired Sarah to a multi-million dollar contract and features her on their news program ad nausea commenting on everything from domestic violence to international crisis.

The question that "discriminating minds" want to know is: "Does Fox TV Network News Only Hire Sexual Perverts as "On Air Talent" or is this just a cheap ploy to get more prurient viewers?

FOX TV NETWORK NEWS wants to put "The Palin Family" in the White House and swap "white trailer park trash" for the First Family - good idea or your version of your worst nightmare? We Report, sort of, You Decide!

I am not a prude, mind you, just "crude", as many nice folks have involuntarily pointed out over the course of decades of a wicked, degenerate life. However, I do find it objectionable that "The Palin Family" would be considered for anything other than a very bad sitcom on "hillbilly TV, let alone for the White House, representing America on an international stage. Let us look dispassionately at the objective facts, shall we:

• The National Enquirer, America's number one source of information is our Annalists Bible, here, at the less than prestigious, BIRD DROPPINGS INSTITUTE, A THINK TANK For Smart Alecs, Just A Sharp Right Turn From Commonsense, in downtown Mildew, Ohio - "right smack dab" in the middle of "Crying Johnnie Boner's" 8Th Congressional District, where there are no jobs because "The Weeper of the House" sent them all overseas - which is OK with us cause we just love that free government cheese.
• Our Urinalysis bible reported that Sarah Palin had an "alleged-illicit affair" with her husband's business partner while her husband was away from home on "monkey business," chasing naked Eskimos on a dog sled. Those dark, long Alaskan night were too much for Sarah so she took up with the closet male she could, her husband's business partner, "just to keep warm" not for sex. If true that make Sarah a SLUT, not that being a "SLUT" is something less than desirous, just maybe not in the White House. Can you imagine our enemies shouting: "NO GUTS - JUST A SLUT In The White House." Or, worse: "White House No; Whore House: Yes". Talk about America's international images taking a noes dive - except in France where it would soar.
• Shailley Tripp, an Alaskan masseuse, turned afficiano of the oldest profession in the world, claims that Todd Palin, Sarah's unemployed husband, was a paying client of hers and she was giving him more than a traditional "rub down" over a two year period, while Sarah was busy campaigning for the office of Vice President of the United States of America.
• Bristol, Sarah's "Dancing With The Stars" runner up, "naughty daughter", as a teenager, got "knocked up" by her high school age boy friend and had a child out of wedlock. Currently, Bristol had moved in with her "new" boyfriend, thanks to the lucrative speaking fees she gets from her gig as spokesperson of an Abstinence organization lecturing to teens on the merits of practicing sexual abstinence during your teenage years.
• Sarah other underage daughter, Basher, left at home alone at night, entertains herself by partaking of the newest Right Wing Conservative Christian practice: Bashing Gay Teens on her Face-book Page.
• Sarah's retarded baby is petitioning the courts to determine her real paternity in preparation of an even more vicious legal battle for financial support from her real father, if not, Todd Palin, then who?
• And, latest, her son, the near normal one; the most sane one has come out recently and acknowledged his trans-gender tendencies and want to move to NYC to study fashion design sucking tomatoes for science.

With Palin securely ensconced in the White House, Rupert Murdoch, CEO, Fox TV NETWORK will finally have what he has worked all of his feeble life for: Infinitive access to the White House and the decision makers who control broadcasting mergers. Palin as a former employee of Rupert and the recipient of his financial largess, free television coverage and mandated Fox staff support, must be aware that if she sweeps into the White House it is not because she is a "slut" but because Murdock is.

In protest to those misguided souls that are asking for a PALIN free February, I say, "let us have a PALIN FREE AMERICA", and send her packing to a distant snowbank near the North Pole, maybe Santa will turn her into something useful - like an elf?

Here the reason she is going to bust the Republican Party; her speech at Reagan's 100 Birthday Party, the only thing CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS have to celebrate, reveals that as a politician, she is far removed from the compromising methods of PRESIDENT REAGAN and places her in the "red meat" category with DICK Cheney.

CONSERVATIVE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES FOR ANY INVITING HER, LET ALONE ASKING HER TO ---ER---preacher more lies.

Great news for the Republican National Committee - Sarah Palin's make over person has just been appointed to the RNC TO HELP make over everyone who looks like Dracula but desire to look like White, Trailer Park Trash. Brilliant! Obama will sail back into office in 2012, even Trailer Park Trash can't stand that look. Politically thinking, of course.

Doctor Funkinstein, a well known Phonologist and world class ass-toroid specialist fell backwards down the cellar stairs while listening to "Stairway to Heaven" on his Ipod and tumbled headlong into the Secret Domain of the Knights of the Illuminaughies at the less than illustrious Bird Droppings Institute, where, because Funkinstein was semi-literate, he was instantly made head of the Journalism department and locked in the basement laboratory, at his request, to work in solitude on his Funk Music Journalism Prognostication's for 2011 and beyond.

As a result, if you have a question, any question, just ask Doctored Funkinstein and he will answer your question to the best of his lying ability. You see, he is somewhat of a psycho and somewhat of a shake. So, if you are unable to get Dr. Phil on the phone and you need an answer to a life changing question: Write to THE FAKE, Dr. Funkinstein and be stupefied!

Here are just a few of his prediction for 2011:

• Scandal will erupt around Sarah Palin when it is discovered that she has had extensive plastic surgery and really is an Alaskan Gris-sly Bear. Charges will be filed against her husband for cross pollination.
• Palin's kids decide to return to High School to get their GED but are asked to leave for having unprotected sex with their instructors.
• Sarah Palin admits that she is really a drag queen and that her husband, Todd, is gay, only sad on Tuesdays when he pretends to be straight.
• Lindsey Graham says that he can't help it if he is a closet queen with a name like Lindsey, what did they expect?
• John Boehner slurs a few words at the Press Club and then is driven to the Betty Ford Clinic for an extensive stay.
• Glenn Beck bites a dog and the dog is given rabies shots.
• RUSH Limbaugh admits that he has never had sex with a human. His clitoris is in his throat, that is why he love to scream so much.
• Republicans fight for two years to repeal Health-care only to lose in the end and thrown off the planet earth, when it slows down to pick up an alien hitchhiker.
• Tea Party dissolves when it elect Michelle Bachman (R), Minnesota, as it spokesperson and she stick her foot in her mouth and like it.

Dr. Funinstein stated at a briefing for dwarfs that many strange people, especially "Lefties" have allusions and that they, too, can see the future. If you are such a "loser" write us with your visions and we will be more than happy to add it to our list, since our staff is burned out and unable to write anything else.

Working Towards A More Corrupt America Filled With Free Cheese and Socialistic Parties Sponsored by Democrats who Spend Their Vacations Burning Purloined Copies of the Constitution, While Trying To Take Money From the Right Wing Conservative Republican Knuckleheads That Work Hard For It and Give It to the Lazy Left!

Comedian Tracy Morgan whacks Sarah Palin with the heavy hammer of humor that exposes her for the air-head that she is. Enjoy! No Free Palin Month. Rather a Free Presidential Election with out Rodeo Clowns, ex-half governors and publicity hounds-Reality stars that prostitute their family for fame and wealth. Sorry, rightwingers, she's a joke!

Palin really is an "air head" with no presidential composure. Her recent comments about the crisis in Egypt are typical Palin, "at least they won't blame me for it."

Six-nine people are dead, hundreds wounded in one of the most massive demonstrations in modern history in Egypt. President Murbarek is pressured to leave the country. Fifthy thousand American are stranded in Egypt and this air-hair manages to make the crisis about her.

Ex half-Governor Sarah Palin, the darling of the Tea Republicans and the Faux Christian Evangelical Born Again, End Timers, aka the Twisted Conservative party is making headlines again! "I Slept With Sarah Palin's Husband," is the hot, eye popping headline splattered across America's grocery check out aisles with a tantalizing story on the inside filled with all the slimy details that our modern public demands from their journalistic sources. An insatiable need to know every scrap of information about this low rated Realty TV star and her brood of non scholastic wining off-springs on their quixotic trek to become the nation's FIRST FAMILY IN 2012

Apparently, a part time massage therapist/full time prostitute admitted that she has been providing Sarah Palin'shusband with a lot more than a medical massage. Shailey Tripp admitted that she gave Sarah Palina a massage in the same room where she allegedly had "paid for sex" with Palin's husband Todd, according to our Journalistic Bible, the eminent and highly dubious National Enquirer, in its February 7th, 2011 edition, ON SELL NOW at a grocery store near you!

Shailey Tripp, the alleged prostitute and licensed massage therapist, claims that Todd visited her business, Blue Hands Massage, where she was arrested and charged with prostitution on March 10th 2010. She claimed that Todd visited her on numerous (more than one) occassions. Other businesses in the same complex collaborated Shailey's story and reported that they saw Todd Palin enter the Blue Hands Massage several times. They said that they recognized him because he always drove the same "ratty dog sled and boasted loudly that he once won the IDidItToAynRand once, too."

The business owners refused to be identified, but did said that they heard what could only be described as "loud noises associated with someone having sex". They explained that holding a upside down drinking glass against the walls separating their respective offices enhanced the sounds and made it crystal clear what was going on in there. And, because they weren't having any fun, themselves, they called the police and reported those that were. Wow! Talk about sour grapes.

"The really sad thing about this," noted our lead investigator, Gotcha Pigeon, (a repentant carrier witha reputation-for flying far from the truth due to a defect in his homing devise) stated to two indifferent winos and a waste can, that it "is too bad that Shailey is the prostitute. She has got to be the ugliest prostitute in Alaska! It's one thing to get caught with a beautiful call girl, like Spitzerdid, then become a political pundit on national TV, but having sex with a sad eyed Grizzly Bear looking prostitute is a no-no and that's got to be bad news," he noted just before our unlicensed reporters was slapped into jail for jay walking in downtown Wasilla, Alaska.

"How can I get a ticket for Jay walking? I'm a pigeon," he protested to the arresting officer, who, like everyone in Wasilla, is believed to be a less crossed eyed relative of Palin.

"Todd Palin," suggested one blogger, "will now get his own television show on Fox," noted our solo blogger on our telepathic site,"just like Dick Morris did after his scandal." Dick, a political adviser to Bill Clinton, got busted for using political funds to pay a prostitute to let him suck her toes and Rupert Murdoch, CEO, News, Inc., found that deficient grounds to hired Mr. Morris as a guest commentator on Fox TV Network News," where he has made a home for himself ever since.

"Fox has a reputation to keep up," chimed in Reverend Oral Fleece, our spiritual adviser, here, at the Bird Droppings Institute, a Think Tank For Smart Alec's, when he heard the potentially embarrassing news about the Palin family's patriarch. "Fox will offer him a job, mark my words," he added. "Remember when Bill O'Reilly got himself in a bit of a sexual bind with one of his employees?"

O'Reilly was sued my his female producer for sexual harassment and settled out of court for allegedly $3,000,000. The producer claimed that Bill was always pressuring her to have unwanted sex with him and "a third party."

Sean Hannity vehemently denied that he was the third party for the menage tois. O'Reilly's people aren't talking but Bill has told reporters in the past that he thought Sean was very cute and had a school boy crush on him. Bill, caught with his thoughts around his ankles had to coughed up millions of dollars for an out of court settlement and went on to greater fame writing Children's Book with morality themes.

A number of viewers told our deaf, dumb and blind pollsters that they tuned into O'Reilly to see "what the slime ball" looked like and fell ill at what they saw. Most agreed that the only way Bill, at 6'5", skinny as a rail, balding and with a personality like stale beer, was going to get any sex - was if he paid for it!

"Bad Publicity or Good Publicity is still Publicity," added, the not too camera shy, Reverend Oral Fleece as he ran around the Dallas Airport with a "Sarah Palin In 2012" bumper sticker across his naked bumper, until the Police and Homeland Security threw him into a vat of chocolate to get him to settle down.

Sarah Palin, when asked telepathically about this newest sexual scandal, replied tersely: "It was just a bunch of blood libel from jealous liberals that wanted to have sex with Todd but didn't have his phone number".

"Liberals," reported our ill informed and nearly illiterate reporter, "have shamelessly attempted to use this unfortunate incident as an example of the need for health care for hookers and are making some headway with representatives in the Obama administration, who are desirous of covering everyone in America at tax payer expense, of course. Of course, Socialism, High Five."

John Boehner, (R) West Chester, Ohio and the newly elected "Weeper of the House" was quoted as say: "Igetnnnyying." He was "obviously drunk again or crying uncontrollably," stated our less than reliable reporter and Mitch McConnell was no where in sight to translate for the soused speaker.

WATCH for the Todd Palin Rates Hookers Show coming to a Fox TV News Network soon! WAKE UP AMERICA AND SMELL THE POOH.

Pigeon Off!

GLENN BECK is a dangerous, very naive, stupid man who make inflamatory statements like: "You have to shoot them in the head . . . " and then denys that his words have any effect on his listeners. They do and he knows it.

Beck and Limbaugh have made a fortune catering to frustrated, out of work people, disinfrancised by an emerging global market and an every changing ecconomy.

Changes often brings strain, which can turn into hate if directed towards it, or solutions if nourished and encourage.

Beck, Rush, Murdoch, O'Reilly, Hannity, Ann Coulture and Palin appeal to humanity baser instincts as a method of getting rich. They are political pornographers!

The right just won't shut up. Rather than admit that Republican operatives like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Mike Savage, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulture and a sewerful of lesser political hacks have overstepped the boundary of good taste and civility and accept some responsibility for the violence prone state of the nation's political climate, every Right Wing Pundit do what they have been doing best - twist the truth so tight that you would think that the Democrats were responsible for the recession, the collaspe of the financial industry, two costly wars while the Republicans only wear White Hats spend all their time creating jobs for the lazy, out of work, idle Democrats in Black Hats and Black Face. The Civility funeral procession is out the door and half way to the goal line while democrats weep in their seats and talk of "the need for more civility" and less bullets.

Blistering, and, at times, "fair criticism" has recently been heaped upon Presidential Hopeful/Half-Governor/Half Reality Media Personality Sarah Palin, (R) Alaska - a sometimes resident, of that great state when she is not running around the "Lower Forty Nine" telling the nation and every other elected officials how to do their job, who to vote for, whom to target and why.

However, in her pathetic 8 minute Facebook speeech, she did, accidentally, stumble upon a great concept, "dueling", the honorable form of combat between two individuals that have a dispute over a slight that may or may not have happened. The advantages of dueling is that the issue, whatever it was believed to be, e.g., "global warming", "re-redistricting", "Health care", "additional funding for mental health", "prayer in schools" or "moving the nations capital to Richmond, Virgina," all could be politely and civily resolved in a matter of minutes and would not need to drag on forever in a heated and uncivil debate in our "Hallowed Hall of Congress". Freeing them up for John A. Boehner to pass out more lobbyists checks to his fellow legislatures on the floor of the United States Congress. Not only would it be a time saver for Congress, but for that matter, it could be utilized anywhere in the USA. Imagine no more spelling debates between you and your tight ass editor.

You say "neither", I say "nether". . . BANG! - its decided! Brilliant, efficient and final! Isn't that what all of us really want when it come to settling our disputes - rapidity? I believe that there is merit to her off the lip comment and that it shouldn't be dismissed out of mouth.

What do you think? Want to step outside to settle it? Call your second, I'll call mind. I know John Franklin would jump all over it, he has such a good "hair" trigger. Some sensitive types, like Tyler of the newsvine fame, might think that it is "Uncivil and a Violation of the CoH," but, others, "the real dangerous ones", the leadership of the Tea Party, would certainly embrace it for its historic merit. The Founding Fathers, those deified Biblical figures who framed our Constitution and a few hundred thousand slaves, did it, so, Tea Republicans must do it, too.

History, over and over and over, again and again, has demonstrated - so many times that it is tedious and tiring, but, please excuse me, I shall invoke it here one more time, that, "out of-the mouths of babes" drools spittle and/or other things that a smart, enterprising person might recycle, but, not everything that tumbles out of that 'blood libel" orfice.

Sarah, honey, I know that you are busy with your Reality Show, Intellectual Treastise on Foreign Policy, Speaking Engagements and overt campaigning for an office that you clearly have no qualification for, but, listen, for once in your life to someone other than your cute little self. This is one of those mimes times - where silence is the best discourse!

Or, do you want to get your dueling automatic weapon, Punk and Make My Day?

For decades, now, our three readers, here, at the Pigeon Report have been sending us telepathic requests to use our extra-ordinary skills as a "seer" to answer some very pressing questions that have been weighing heavily on their little minds, which are the size of a small walnut.

So, I have finally agreed, after much badgering, and, a really good beating, to asked Edgar Jaycees, III to join us for a combined seance and mind meld. Edward, aka, Edgar, give his mysterious Atlanta's reading while a deep sleep, or, drunk on the couch. I, am the only unbiased and "civil" member of "The Newsvine Community" and it is my role to ask a question of him while he is in a trance and he telepathically answers through me, and, of course, because I am incapable of keeping a secret, I immediately, tell you.

However, at the moment, Edgar is giving a reading to a really "dense" client that is so enamoured with with Edgar Jaycees, III that the questionable client actually brings him a wagon load of turnips which he share (when not drunk) with the entire staff who devour them ravenously before they Flock off!

So, for that one "special - very, very special" reader, the really odd one, Vlad's dog, one of our more enlightened read that is alleged to be able to read our post without the aid of a tutor. I am please to say, that of our total readership of three, two nearly literate newsviners and one blind mouse, he, Vladamir Dogjinkencowski, is the most promising and the least likely to succeed.

I am making an exception, therefore, and, doing something that I will probably regret in the morning. But, what the heck, it isn't as if I hadn't done that several hundred times before and since there is no more bird seed, here, at the Bird Droppings Institute, and, I have lots of chores to do, I have decided, (after a considerable amount of reflections, approximately 7 seconds), to enter into a deep sleep and a mind meld with Edgar Jaycees, III, and, to answer, "to the best of our limited ability, in as truthful manner, as much, or as little, as we are capable of, when not sober"), to Devin these answers - that some will love - but, based on past experiences, most of you will vehemently despise.

Are you ready, Edgar? He signals, "Yes," by snoring loudly and giving me the finger. The question our reader wants to know is: "WHO IS GAY & WHO IS NOT?"

Instantly, and still in a deep trance, Edgar Jaycees, III, replies in a rapid, rabid manner not unlike that epileptic chicken and fellow Trance Talker, Glenn Beck, on his nightly Fox TV Network News & Delusional Fantasies Show, soon to be available "Free" to the "criminally insane", Conservative Right Wing Evangelical, Born Up-sided Down Republicans and their ill-legitimate Off-off springs the Tea Patriots.

Anwers, the great Jaycees, Who is gay and Who Is Not?

TRAVOLTA? Are You Kidding Me, You Don't Know By Now?

TOM CRUISE? My attorney says that I can't answer that question!

SARAH PALIN? No! - But, she is a "gay bash-er," according to our journalistic Bible,The National Enquirer, which I know that a lot of you cannot afford anymore since your jobs were shipped off to China, or India or Mexico, by your Republican friends, so, that they could get a little extra money from "kick backs" from their corporate lobbyists buddies. Try getting by on a measly Congressional salary of $187,000, plus the best benefits that government money can buy, and, I think, that you, too, would agreed that is "not enough" these days. So, if an enterprising Congressional person has an opportunity to sell their country out, why shouldn't they take it, especially, if they are Right Wing, Conservative Republicans that can shield their activity from the general public by embracing their Christian faith every 5 seconds on national TV? Why shouldn't they do a little "consulting" on the side? Anyways, our Journalistic Bible, the National Enquirer reported that Sarah Palin never corrects her daughter, Bristol, and, that other tramp, what's her face, when they make "inappropriate gay bashing remarks on their Face Book accounts,". Therefore, after careful consideration, I think that means that we are going to have to put her name in the "Gay Bather" column, don't you, Edgar?

MICHAEL JACKSON? Dead. But, the evidence is not all in to make a definitive determination between Child molester and Gay Banging, Outlaw Motorcycle Gang Leader. We are, however, beaning towards gay, child day care provider, occasional molester and terrific rock singer.

Mac CAULAY CULKIN? He slept with Michael, do you have to ask?

GLENN BECK? Says That He Is "Not" - But, Those Big, Pig Lips Are Saying Something Else.

DICK CHENEY? I KNOW THAT THIS IS GOING TO DISAPPOINT A LOT OF YOU, BUT, NO! He is an avowed and happy married "sadist", thank you."

GEORGE W BUSH? Wanted to, but, when he was a Cheerleader in college, but no one would take him up on his offer, so, he gave it up and married one.

OBAMA? "No, and, Hell No," said Michelle Obama, when we contacted her at the White-house through our special correspondent, Liberal Lefty, who is assigned to cover that "perch." Lefty ( a liberal leaning reporter) stated, after he regained consciousness and after he picked himself up off the floor, where The First Lady had ceremoniously thrown him. "Liberal Lefty" noted that he continued with the interview in a little less direct fashion - out of range of her right hook, and, she allegedly retorted, "Hell No, and No, you, little Contaminated Bird Bath!" In a slightly less hostile tone, The First Lady added, "I have two kids and the stretch marks to prove it! Do you want to see them," she asked, jerking upward her designer blouse. "No, thanks, that wouldn't be necessary," retorted our highly professional carrier pigeon, "Liberal Left, reporting, nearly dead from the Righteous-house, Washington, DC.

Hillary Clinton? Who Cares? Would you "do" her if she where face up on a barroom floor and you were really, really drunk? I think not!

And, thus, concluded the trance bringing, Edgar Jaycees, III abruptly to his feet. "When do we eat?" he inquired ever the paid professional and former Richard Simmons drop out, at 685 pounds and holding - holding every bit of fun he can get.

So, folks, just a friendly reminder, if you, or your loved ones, have a pressing issue and you can't book the Dr. Phil Show, and, you need an answer within 60 days, or so, please, feel free to contact us, well, its not exactly, "free,". . . just drop your wallet into the mail to us - make sure you have included all your credit cards and proper IDs and send it to us, here, at the less than prestigious Bird Dropping Institute, % A Right Wing, Left of Centered, Fundamentally Flawed, Conservative Conspirators THINK TANK For Smart Alec's, By Smart Alec's, So Help Me God, Vacated in Mildew, Ohio - "right dab" in the middle of Congressman, John A. Boner's, 8Th Congressional District, where there are no jobs, and, we like it that way, cause we just love that "free" government cheese!

Furious WikiLeaker Julian Assange yesterday slammed critics like Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin for "inciting people to murder" him. "If we are to have a civil society you cannot have senior people making calls on national TV to go around the judiciary and murder people. That is incitement to commit murder," he told MSNBC in an interview from England. "That is an offense." He wondered whether the United States was slipping into "anarchy" amid what he called "digital McCarthyism."

WARNING: This piece of Literary Trash is penned by a Right Wing Nut Job Doing Time For Crimes He Did Commit.

My fellow newsvine-rs:

This "chere" is none other than the lovable, charitable, devout challenged Reverend ORAL FLEECE, your spiritual adviser, reporting to you "Live" from Inside My Cell Block, where SADLY I must bring you this terrible News:

Our beloved master and leader, the great former Vice President of this "chere" United States of A-may-reee-ka, DICK-ED CHENEY is finally screwed.

No, not by Liz! - That Whore! She swears that she never touch him like that in their entire life. He is being raped, ravished and screwed by the country of NIGERIA. Everyone knows that Cheney HATES NIGERIANS. Poor, old master of the Water Board, locator'sof the WMD, and "sneer" expert, our be-lowed Cheney cannot leave the US for fear of being abducted and sent to Nigeria.

I am madder than an egg sucking RABID Raccoon tumbling in a Maytag dryer stuck on blow dry!

Why, I am higher than a kite and hotter than an inebriated politician with red hot coals dumped down the front of his jail house issued orange jump suit by a spurned former red headed lover that I swear that I never, you know, did the full deed with.

Yeah, sure there was some "petting and snuggling", (but, it's cold in here). I was just trying to get some "heat," that's all it was. I ain't GAY. Conservative can't be gay - just stupid. Honestly, I was just preforming an exorcism and would have been successful had the PRISON GUARD not interrupted us, my cell mate and I, bent over that toilet bowl embracing in our spiritual love.

Anyways, I am pissed off, now, over this darn blasted, liberal conspirators plot that is threatening to send our great national hero, DICK-ED CHENEY, over the pond to the bowels of the dark continent, N*I*G*E*R*I*A, where he HAS A SURE FIRE chance of being INDICTED for bribing GOVERNMENT officials there to the tune of $180,000,000. Now, how UN-American is that?

If one can't bride a public official in a foreign country, how in the Hell are you gonna get anything done? If that ain't bad enough, our greatest ever VP is wanted by INTERPOL. How insulting is that for the man that brought Water Boarding to America and perfected the art of torture? HE SHOULD OF GOT THE NOBEL PRIZE!

Cheney, as everybody knows, was the "Shadow" government under both Bushs (George W. and Jethro Bush) and dammit he should be given the NOBEL PRIZE for saving the Christian World from certain destruction. If Dick-ed Cheney hadn't snatched the controls of government out of the Bush's hands, we would all be living under Sherries Law, right now and looking like "rag head"s, not that I am predigest or any thing. I like Jews.

I'm agin only a few American: Mid-Westerners, Rag Heads, Hippies, Yuppies, Yippees, Kikes, Wops, Spics, Muslims, Arabs, Yankees, Liberals, Fags, Fag-Liberals, Liberal Fags. Just about everybody that ain't like me or Fancy Nancy Dick-ed Cheney.

I just think that American should not live under a foreign zealot's religious rules like Fox was saying the other night, "Sherries Law". Those Arab Rag Heads want us to be homosexuals and give up our God given right to hate everyone. I won't do it. By God.

We should all be living under our own religious extremists rules like the "Born Againers, Evangelical, Right-Wing, Christian Tea-publicans Rules. Ain't that right?

And, most folks think I ain't right in the head! I am right in the head. I watch Fox News 16 hours a day, 7 days per week, every week. I'm fair and unbalanced, too.

CHENEY WANTED BY INTERPOL

"Innard Polls, what they got to do it with it, anyways? Don't those damn Pollacks have better things to do than chase after our Great Vice President-In-Waiting; Haliburton Best Ever CEO, the Father of my Illegitimate Children! The GREAT DICK-ED CHENEY. Dick-ed Cheney is a NATIONAL TREASURE AND A HETERO. Just like me.

EVERYBODY THAT IS ANYBODY KNOWS, CHENEY was the "Shadow" government, his-self, running every thing; MAKING ALL OF THE BIG DISCUSSIONS. The Master Puppeteer. The one looking after us all and protecting us against ourselves and gay socialists.

In my tangled mind, Dick-ed Cheney is America's great-est VP since Spiro Agnew, who was a personal friend of mine and one of my first converts. I loved the man, not in a physical way, except for that once in college - but that didn't mean anything. Anyways we were good friends, best friends until one bloody Monday morning I found him sleeping with my wife, Salacious, the visually impaired, talking-in-tongues love of my life. She was a nearly blind, avant guard hairdresser, filled with cheap gin and colagen that I picked up at a wild, out of controlled alcoholic fueled National Republican Party bash held in downtown Louisville, KY, to honor the Tea Party newest star without fangs, Ron Paul.

Man, I tell you what - that was a memorable night - a night to remember, 'cause it was chaired by none other than that Jack Daniel's sucking Congressman John Boehner, who was drunk as a skunk, back in the days that in our innocence we used to call "the good old gay days," before I knew what "gay" meant.

I spotted the Speaker-To-Be propped up on a bar room stool French Kissing Sarah Palin or Newt Gingrich. (I don't know which 'cause they look so much alike - that I ain't sure which one he was swapping spit with). But, I know fer sure it wasn't Charlie Rangel. Rangel was rolling dice in the back alley trying to sell some buxom gal a "condo" he owns in Jamaica fer a really cheap price and periodically pinching her buttock for good luck.

Anyways, it was the most "memorable" night that ever was for me - even more memorable than the time I got my tongue stuck in the garbage disposal.

Well, friends and sworn enemies alike, there I was swilling one free spirit after another when out of the blue, none other than a drunken Johnnie Boehner, looking cute as ever, with "a fifth of Jack Daniel's in one hand, a can of Ins-ta Tan in the other and a thick wad of lobbyists cash in his back pocket (as one newsvine posters said to me in my continuous hallucination).

Well, buddies and ladies, Old Big Bad Crongressional Head Banging Boener crooked his long gnarled finger like Satan himself and motioned to me to join them. I 'll tell you I was weak in the knees, but somehow I managed to crawl over to him just like ever other Conservative in Congress has done for the past 20 years, hat in hand, waging my tail behind me, begging for a lobbyist treat.

Well, nudeviners, I must confess, I fell hard for Johnnie that night - really hard- falling backward all the way down three flights of stairs. What a grand entrance I must have made. Aapparently, I made an even bigger impression on the leaders of the Tea Party Revolution, who were all busily pummelling a black protester with their leather bound, brass embossed copy of the Constitiution of the United States of America Minus Amendments, that they carried like guns around their waists.

I remember it like it was just last month - which it was.

We were all high as a kite, that is some of us was, stoked up on our recent victories from the mid term election/massacre. Why, there was every Newsvine "biggie" in the business was there - flashing their colors and stealling food to feed their hungry families.

Soph 0571 was complaining to everyone within listening range about being a "Brit" and flirting outrageously with Carloz. Vlad's Dog, known for his frugality, was scooping other peoples food into a "doggie" bag that he carries everwhere he goes these days. Mc Spocky was lecturing on the Code of Honor and punishing those that got off topic with a baseball bat, while hundreds of screaming, shouting, swearing newsviners were disgracing themselves by clinging to the false belief that President Obama has a rat's change in Hell of getting elected again in 2012.

Anyway, a brawl all most broke out between the Haves and the Have Not but was averted by an alert security guard who set himself on fire in protest over the passage of the Tax bill. All in all, it was a G*R *E *A *T (as Tony The Tiger Used to Say Before They Put Him Down) Night!!!

Mitch McConnell waved or made a fist at everyone that dare to come by his table as he chew on his cud cursing Democrats and Liberals under his breathe. . . . which really is powerfully foul.

Big Bad, Tattoo Free-But Not Drug Free, "Liberal ass kicking" Speaker-To Be, Johnnie Boehner, slapped me around a little - just fer fun, which I liked, while Tom Cruise jumped up and down on the leader's leather lounge couch shouting at the top of his lung, "I love you, Katie. I love you - You Scientology hating bitch."

That night, newsvine friends and fiends, was the night that changed my life - the night I became a Tea Republican!

I was given my robe and hood in a secret ceremony by Tea Party Elders (all in their early 30's) who instanteous flipped me upside down and shook me so furiously that all of my loose change and some of my gold teeth fell out of my pockets and head.

And, I ain't afraid to admit it either, I was carrying considerable coin because I had come straight from church service and still had the collection plates in both hands; my right and my right.

(You see, True Tea Republicans don't have left hands, so, my left one was cut off and shoved up my ass, where it is still to this day writing worthless checks).

Well, I'll tell you - we was having a "gay old time" before I knew what "gay" really meant and stopped it.

Anyways, Dicked Cheney was the Key Note Seaker that night and he scared the day lights out of everyone in attendance. I was really impressed with how much money he could get from rich folks just by scaring them "@!$%#less" with stories about wild-eyed socialists lurking in every one's bedroom, "a homosexuals hiding in every closet", he said, bringing the crowd to their feet.

"We'll have welfare babies with armed pacifers rioting in the every white towns in America if we don't Repeal Obamacare," he shouted and shot off several rounds from his trusty shoot gun. Man, the crowd was excited. Tea Partiers shot back with their concealed weapons putting several buttet holes through the ceiling and every Conservatives in attendance threw their Bibles up in the air.

When Cheney called for "donations" to continue "the good Christian fight againt the heathen Democrat devils" - ever sucker in the house tossed their check books, Rolerdexes and car keys into the collection plates.

Right, then and there, I knew I was in the pressence of greatness and Dick-ed Cheney instantaneously became my "hero" and "best friend."

"Old Shooter," as I was honored to call my new friend, Dicky, sucked a pint of blood from my neck that night. He and John ("Kicking Liberal Ass") Boehner and I torn the place down that night. We drank till the sun came up, then, we all went "skinny dipping" in my baptismal at the little know church of How Deep Is Your Pocket - How Small Is Your Mind, where I served as pastor until I was run off for sleeping with most of my congregrants and their mothers. But, that was before I was "born again" and saw Jesus at The All Night - All Right Laundermat.

Anyway, that was then and this is now! And, now I am piss#% off, as Mc Spocky likes to say in his posts.

The idea that one of America's sacred cows, OUR BARELY BREATHING, WALKING DEAD NATIONAL TREASURE, Dicked Cheney, the man with the PLASTERED permanent sneer; "Shooter" to his friends; the architect of the Iraqi War Faint (that brilliant, historic military maneuver to flushed Osama Ben Laden out of his hiding place in them there caves in Africganistan by invading Iraq) - the idea that our National Idol might be INDICTED is too much for a nearly grown man like me to endure.

This cursed QUEERS AGENDA idea that America's very own SOB might go to jail for WAR CRIMES seems down right Non-White to me. Don't it to you?

I SUSPECT that this whole INTERPOL thing is just a bunch of left leaning liberal New York Fruitcakes parading around in their pink tights and purple tutus PROTESTING 'cause Cheney wouldn't let them enlist in the military.

I ain't fer that neither. Gays serving in Congress is one thing, but, not the military! That's where I draw the line. Cross it and I will do what any God fearin' Christian will do - KILL Ya!

I am supported in my simple minded views by my backward "Born Again-Evangelical, Right-Wing, Left of Centered Tea Republican Christian ( sort of) Beliefs that was beaten into me as a child growing up, as I did, in the basement of a broken down old country barroom next to a renown house of ill repute, Annie ("l Do Anything For A Quarter")Coulture's momma's place. She was know to the locals as the "quarter slot". Many an errant young man spent his entire pay check there.

Butt, seriously, folks, I am begging you brothers, and, sisters with big tattas, to please write to President Obama Is Your Momma, Now and tell him not to let this plunger of our national jewelry occur. Because, when Sarah Palin gets her grizzley bear self elected as President in 2012, we are gonna paint the White House patriotic colors: Red, White and Blue with Grey trim in honor of the South and fly the Confederate Flag so you northern know-it-alls know who is boss, Hoss. And, we is gonna throw you all asses in jail. In Jesus name, I remain:

The Very Reverend ORAL FLEECE, Straight from the Street and Not from the Police! Send me your HARD EARNED CASH, (or stash) right now, this minute, so I can meet my bail.

LISTEN, I, as God is my witness, and, Judas my best friends, I swear on a Bible filled with counterfeited $20 bills that I had no idea She was a He and He was a Streetwalker. I honestly to Hades thought she needed a ride. Really, it was raining, so I was just being a good Christian when I rolled down my car window and offered her/him a ride.

I . . . agh . . . just offered Her/Him $20 so She/He could get somthing to eat. That's all. Now, I am being persecuted for my Wilkileaks Beliefs. Send MONEY, Now, or, I am gonna get rail-roaded like our great former VP, Dicked Cheney.

Reporting "Live "from Inside the Mind of a Dirty Old Man, Mildew, Ohio.

Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News TV Nutworks, "Fair and Unbalanced" Hate TV is having his ass handed to him by stockholders for his $1,000,000 donations to Republican TeaNuts for governors. Rupert is a Rotten Scroundel who has collasped Journalism in America and turned it into "Gossip and Hate Speech" making billions in the process.

An Austrailian "religious nutcase" and right wing, Conservative Republican wacko he is wreaking havoc on the election process by dumping millions of corporate dollars into campaigns that will benefit him professionally and personally.

His paid stooges include Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck and the entire cast of wack-a-doodles at FOX TV NEWS.

Federal law, Tea Baggers, trumps State and here's the why of it. It is a little more complicated than reading tea leaves at an Obama Picnic/Protest organized and funded by FOX NEWS TV NETWORK, starring Sarah, Beck and Guber Newt.

Shouting, "Smaller gov'ment-lower taxes and drink the Tea Laced cool-aide isn't enough for some of us. Life is more than "sound bites" and "talking points" crafted by intellectual giants like Rush (Oxycotin) Limbaugh or any of the other HATE RADIO KNOW IT ALLS that pollute the public airwaves for cash.

Juvenile Civics is just that juvenile. We are all in this together and Evangelical, Born Again, End-Timers dressed up as Tea Party Patriots are still uneducated country "hicks" following Rev. Jimmy Jones.

Did you ever ask yourself why people who watch Fox News are so grossly misinformed about our Constitution? The answer can be found by looking at who FNC considers constitutional experts. Fox doesn't consider our constitutional law professor president an expert, but they look to such intellectual luminaries as Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin for guidance.

On Freedom Watch today, The Judge referred to Bachmann as a constitutional expert. Here is the video from Media Matters:

The Judge prefaced a question about whether Congress takes the Constitution seriously by referring to Bachmann as, "You are also a well known expert on the Constitution." Bachmann then babbled on about something called a constitutional conservative, "There are people who do look to the Constitution for guidance, and those who don't. I would say there is no moral equivalency however. I think the conservatives, the constitutional conservatives, tend to reside overwhelmingly in the Republican Party, and I think going forward this November any candidate who wants to win, needs to run as a constitutional conservative, because that's what the American people are looking for."

Notice that the question to Bachmann actually had nothing to do with an interpretation of a constitutional question, but that it was just a chance for her to shill for November disguised as a constitutional question. That's some Constitutional expert you've got there, Fox News. She is so good that you are too afraid to ask her any real questions about the Constitution. Oh, but fear not, Bachmann is not alone as FNC's constitutional expert, there is help, and the cavalry is arriving in the form of Sarah Palin.