As CEO & Founder of the less than bright BIRD DROPPINGS INSTITUTE, A Think Tank For Smart Alec's, located in Mildew, Ohio, right smack dab in the middle of John, "The Weeper of the House," Boehner's 8th Congressional District, in lovely, but nearly all torn down, Mildew, Ohio, I see all things good, and much of the other: Conservatives taking credit for family values, the Constitution, the Bible, saving America from Socialism, free enterprize and capitalism.
Our motto, here, in John Boehner's rarely sober Congressional District is: "We Don't Work Cause There Ain't No Jobs - Since Johnnie Boy Sent Them All To China, So That His Wall Street Buddies Could Increase Their Bottom Line and Decrease Our." But, we don't mine cause as Liberals we just want to take from the hard working Religious Right and give it to the lazy, unpatriotic left, which is us. Ain't Johnnie Boehner wonderful? In 32 years in politics, he ain't brought one job to Mildew, Ohio or anywhere, for that matter, but, we love it that way because we just can't get enough of that "free government cheese."
This week our scholars, here, at the "institution", are contemplating an important question: WHAT HAVE CONSERVATIVE EVER DONE FOR AMERICA? - Other than stimulating the ASPIRIN INDUSTRY by giving everyone else a MIGRAINE!
If you know or just want to speculate, make stuff up like the Conservative, please tell us where to go - - - and get the information or plagiarize it, this ain't C- Span, you know. Because, here at the Intuition, as Liberals we are stoned pretty much of the time and we can't find any evidence whatsoever of any thing, at all, and nothing that indicates that Conservatives have ever accomplished anything or what, if anything, they have done for America other than continuous run their flexible, mobile "cherry pie holes (mouths) and criticize those that have made significant contribution to America, like our beloved President Barack Obama, who is at this very moment plotting to convert America into a Socialistic Nation, whatever that is, so that we ain't never gonna have to work, and, in addition, to the "free cheese", when our arteries clog up, we'll get free operations courtesy of our free "Socialized Heath Care."
Isn't life great as a parasite? I can't wait for my first, of many operations, that you hard working Right Wing, Jesus Loving, Conservative Republicans worked so hard for, so that a dead beat like me can sponge off the system. Thank you, Red Necks from the Red State, mostly in the South, where the Civil War still rages to this day.
Some facts that our questionable research team discovered along with a hair ball, a worthless key and an old eye screw are listed below and others may be accessed telepathically by calling our nonexistent, toll free, Bird Droppings line, 1-800-The-Bird! Our team of aging archaeologists and lethal misfits are standing by ready to take your easy questions; hand ones give them headaches. These nitwits and as Conservatives refer to them, "assholes," have unearthed historic tid bits of wisdom and "fair and unbalanced" facts from our nearly 400 year search for the real truth about Conservatives!
- 1607 Jamestown; No Conservatives here! Conservatives stayed in England eating Pigeon Pies and wearing wigs.
- 1624 Williamsburg, Virginia becomes a royal province; Conservatives flood colony with the Royal Governor appointed by Crown, still wearing their wigs and bitching about the too liberal colonist practice of brushing their teeth daily. It's a waste of water, they claim and have the proof in their smile to prove it.
- 1625 Jamestown, Conservatives establish Church of England; pass law that all colonists must attend or be Hanged! It is "for Colonists own and good and because the King is also head of the Church", they spit. Conservatives are into consolidation of offices to save the Crown money and balanced the King's budget, least the King go broke at Colonists expense.
- 1675-1679, King Phillip's War! begins. Conservatives Celebrates; Conservatives like Wars!
- 1732 Philadelphia Liberals establish Library, Post Office, Free Press and 6 Taverns! Conservatives Burn Down Newspaper!
- 1776 Philadelphia Radical Independent Liberals author Constitution and lock Conservatives out of proceedings.
- 1771-1781, American Revolution! Conservatives fight for the British as Tories.
- 1777 Philadelphia, the Articles of Confederation Adopted by Congress, May 15th; Conservatives claim it is "Unconstitutional".
- 1781 Articles of Confederation Ratified by all 13 States; Conservatives challenge "Validity of Congress".
- 1787 Philadelphia Constitutional Convention, May 25; Conservatives proposed return to British Control.
- 1789 New York , the First Congress meets under Constitution, March 4th; Washington Elected President. Conservatives "piss and moan" but go along because they are promised that they can beat the prisoners later and water board the native Americans.
- 1789 New York, July 4th, Congress passes 1st Tariff Act; Conservatives are apoplectic.
- 1812 Washington, D.C., War with England breaks out; Conservatives again fight as Tories against United States of America!
I am confused most days, but, today, why do Conservatives claim they are the true patriots and liberals are sub humanoid, ignorant, ungodly Socialists who have ruined America, while Conservatives created it and are now the only ones that understand it and have appointed themselves as its real protectors?
Did someone leave the door to the barn open, again? "Vald's dog, did you do it?"
Oh, dear, now I remember, when the Civil War broke out: Conservatives opposed it and objected to "freeing the slaves;" it would be a "Job Killer," they said!
When the Civil War was over and the U.S. government wanted to end "JIM CROW," Conservatives objected, "Wouldn't be prudent," they claimed. "What are we to do with our white sheets?"
When Woodrow Wilson proposed the League of Nation, they called him a "Socialist" that was trying to usher in the "end of time" via a one world government and burned him in effigy.
During the Civil Rights Movement, Conservatives branded Martin Luther King as a part time Communist and a full time Socialist and added fuel to the fire by stating that passing legislation to grant voting rights to African Americans "wouldn't be prudent and it would also be a Job Killer."
When women wanted to vote and the handicapped wanted their parking stickers, the Conservatives called them parasites, and, what else: "Job Killers". Conservatives are fond of that term "Job Killer" or they are just stuck on STUPID!
Can you think of anything that CONSERVATIVES HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN 400 years of American History? Please write and write and write and tell us where to go . . . to find it.
------Staphylococcus, alumni Extraordinaire
Bird Droppings Institute
Just A Sharp Turn From Commonsense!