This just in, "live" from the wire, literally:
Our number one Carrier Pigeon, and, number two journalist, Sebastian Dangerfield, The III, recovering from a night of "naughty jounalistic debauchery" returned to his home base, via a homing device in his head and miraculously landed successfully on a "live" wire, just outside of the less than prestigious Bird Droppings Institution. Sebastian was discovered the next morning "stirred by not shaken" - a little rumpled but no worst for the wear, except his hair stood out like Donald Trump's come-over after a lap dance. "What a Frightful Site", exclaimed, the paramedics who found him glued to a telephone pole.
Reporter Dangerfield, after being beaten senselessly, eventually filed this "exclusive" interview under duress in which he alleged that he have had a "private personal relationship" with a former high ranking government source but not the rather gay looking Carl Rove, that's the one that everyone assumes it would be with.
Sebastian is frankly a less than forth right journalist and a frequently disbarred part time bartender, who, (unfortunately for us), has had a lifetime full of "rappelling from the Truth," as his rap sheet states, and, quite honestly, he is sometimes known to stretch the Truthbeyond "credence", (which is 17.5 inches), and not a Clear-water rock and roll "revival" band.
Nevertheless, Mister Dangerfield, a sworn bachelor, avowed lesbian and Conservative Republican contends that his "Scoop" will literally knock the socks off of so called "normal people," where ever they are and surprise the rest of us with its shocking revelation available only here, on the Pigeon Report, an unintellectual news source for "Riff Raff - too cheap to buy a legitimate newspaper," as one mean spirited, though accurate, literary critic described our operations.
"My article is, as yet, an unvetted story, unedited and unintelligible," Sebastian boasted, although the editorial staff, here, at the Institution remains dubious, having been bilked by him by numerous libelous offerings. Our advise is: READER BEWARE! (The next name you see may be your own, Vlad's Dog, Obie-One, Pat!(#$%^&* or Obama Your Momma Now).
Anyway, our reporters, like those of the NEWSVINE community are paid less than market rate Chinese wages and we are forced to take what ever journalistic crap we can get.
"I swear," Sebastian squealed at our editorial board meeting at the Elks club, like a drunken Karl Rove at a NYC Greek Bath one observer noted. "Honestly, this time it's nearly true," our much indicted reported stated, " and right from the tight lips of a highly placed source from the former Bush/Cheney administration. The things I had to do to get this scoop were just disgusting and dreadful. I had so much fun getting this 'scoop'," he mused, "I should pay you".
Which, of course, we quickly agreed to allowed him to do just that. "I want it published," Sebastian demanded of our editorial staff, "or some feathers are going to be ruffled," he added sucking his thumb. So, naturally, we caved!
Sebastian, our editorial staff has noted, had passed the required lie-detector exam that is given to a few good men and only our best Journalists. We are please to report that he came through with most of the answers marked, "Somewhat truthful," clearly surpassing our internal requirements standards and leaping by those of Fox TV News Network.
"This is an article, when completely read, top to bottom, back to front, may well determine who will be the next President of the United State of America, Canada and Middle America," exclaimed, Michelle "Eichmann" (as she the Congress woman is know here, in Mildew)) at a recent roughshoded Republican "Tax Rally" held in downtown Mildew, two week, before the article was even written. What a woman? Michelle is a Mega-Momma who raised 29 kids, 24 on Welfare. What an inspiration!
"What is it this nonesense all about?" eagerly badgered Publisher, Jonathan Livingston Pigeon, Founder and CEO, of the much maligned Institution and a well known recluse, cracked nut eater, and unrepentant plagiarist, himself.
The twiced disbarred reporter, after hours of consensual water boarding, finally gained consciousness enough to explained that he had been "pigeon holed" by a Right Wing, political operative with close ties to the newly elected, Weeper of the House, John (The Neanderthal) Boehner, and, our super-secretive, political lying/journalist (is there any other kind) had not only stumbled down six flight of stairs to get the story, but, into the warm, wet, waiting lap of one giggling, Scooter Libby, recently released from prison.
(Note: For our nearly literate, but, not too historically endowed Tea Republicans): Scooter Libby was Vice President Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff and Cheney's designated fall guy. Dick Cheney was George W. Bush's Vice President and designated fall guy, but, "W", being a little slow and quite stupid, took the fall for Dick, instead of vice a versa).
Scooter Libby confided to our correspondent, (who he admitedly had a "man crush on") some "spicy insider information" that only a true insider or doorman could know. Sebastian was able to acquire the explosive information after he met Libby in the basement of a public parking garage that no one in Mildew use, because there aren't any Jobs since Crying Johnnie sent them all over seas, which is fine with most folks in Mildew, cause they just love that "free government cheese."
Sebastian reported that after a rather long warm and surprisingly unmanly embraced from Scooter, the disgraced former Chief of Staff and ex-jail bird, gave our man, Dangerfield, an unautherized neck rub, then, revealed the following unvet-ted, unedited and unethical rumour that we were unable, unwilling, and uninterested in verifying.
Libby, at first, according to our much clubbed reporter was reluctant to talk but opened up after he received a swift kick to the groin, confessing that he (Scooter) had picked up a jail house snitch and got a tip (or vice a versa) while he was serving time in the slammer for political crimes committed by his former boss, Dick (The Sneer) Cheney.
Fortunately for Sebastian, Cheney, or someone sounding a lot like him can be over heard on these illegal wire taps, if one holds them up to ones ear and bangs the recorder down on the desk three times, can be heard bragging that the "newest TEA Party to hit the streets" is one that Evil Dick personally helped to launch.
"I am the power behind the scenes, like I was in the Bush adminstration," Dick, or someone sounding a great deal like him said on the illegal recording. "I and I alone am responsible for the launching of the newest Tea Party Movement currently sweeping the nation," Cheney bragged, then chortled. This man likes to chortle. Clearly "The Prick" Cheney was refering to the highly sucessful, I AM A LITTLE TEA POT - SHORT AND STOUT - HERE IS MY HANDLE, HERE IS MY SPOUT party. The dreadful organization was he personally created , funded bywith funding, of course, from the Koch Brothers to fretter out "Creeping Socialism in America's Pre-Schools," the next bastion of investigation by the 112th Congress.
"This record breaking scoop",our not yet, completely toilet trained Carrier Pigeon, Reporter Dangerfield, stated "was purloined from an unprecedented meeting, held behind locked doors". Cheney revealed in these tape that after a "blistering night of bitter backroom wrestling, bloody back biting", his IMA LITTLE TEA POT party has unanimously agreed to hold their first ever presidential nominee's convention in the lovely, but, nearly all torn down, downtown of MILDEW, OHIO. Dick Cheney, proudly added, "if I am still alive, which is questionable, I will, of course, be the Keynote Speaker or send one of my shot guns to do the honors in my stead."
"Mildew," Cheney (or someone that sounds like him) is heard saying, "is the perfect placed for this convention of Tea Nuts, Tea Baggers, Tea and Fruit Cakes to meet because it is located just a sharp right turn from Commonsense, right smack in the middle of Crying Johnnie Bonner's 8th Congressional District, where there are NO JOBS, because Crying Johnnie (The Hillbilly) sent them all over sea, the dumbass!" he chortled, again and again until he shut up or blacked out.
The Mayor of the "Not So Hot" community of Mildew,Ohio, the illustrious and much arrested politican, I AM NOT A CROOK - I AM A REPUBLICAN, also was in attendance, at this super secret, hush-hush meeting sponsored with a grant from the Koch Brothers Industries.
The mayor of Mildew is a considered a centra figure in this conspiracy because as a strict Constitutionalists, lip reader, vegetarian, Born Again-Bible-Thumping Christian and notorious Right Wing-Swinger he was deliberately misquoted by our enberated source, as saying that as mayor, he was, "delighted that soon those damn devil worshiping liberal media fools from the East Coast will be flooding into our lovely, but, nearly all torn down, downtown to ask stupid questions of even stupider people. It will make money for some and hopefully kill others," he chortled, again repeatedly and then, promptly shot his assistant in the glutinous maximus with his newly acquired shot gun.
"Cheney," Mayor I'M NOT A CROOK - I JUST LOOK LIKE ONE, proudly exclaimed, (that means "said" for our Tea Republican friends), "gave me that shot gun as a gift".
We, here, at the "Journalistic Correct Bird Droppings Institution, A Think Tank For Smart Alecs" relying on our "Higher Journalism Standards", doubt the veracity of the mayor's boast due to I'M A Not A Crook's frequent indictments for lying, endless bribery and occasionally "texting while driving" charges.
But, never the less, that is to say, none the least the mayor went on to incriminate himself with additional comments in the "tapes"which were discreetly strapped to Sebastian's interior right thigh. The good mayor continued to make accusation that our souces believe are creditble because the mayor of Mildew is a known moron and dumb enough to say stuff like this over a prison phone, which is always wire tapped. The mayor was spending the night there, as he frequently does, for stealing stamps for "alledgely personal use" from his own mayoral office in city hall. So, when sentenced, he only had to go to the basement to serve his time.
"The Vice President," our simple minded mayorcan clearly be heard on the tapes saying - if one hold the recorder upside down and bangs it on the desk three times in rapid cessation - is heard clearly admiting that Dick Cheney gave him "the infamous shot gun that the prosecutor didn't need any more" and that Dick, himself, wanted the mayor to have it, "since, I stole it anyway," he again chortled like his idol, VP, Dick Cheney.
"Dick told me to my face and to various other orifices," continued the Mayor, in a hysterical falsetto that sent shivers running down the guards spine, "that the former VP had received a lot of personal Joy from that shot gun, and, for that matter, any gun! And, the as of yet, unindicted VP wanted to pass it on to another rabid neo-conservative. "I AM the only one he knew without a criminal record because I am smart enough to get the charges expunged from my record."
The 480 pound, 5' 2" mayor, then waddled hurriedly away existing the swinging soir. "Wait for me Mr.Clooney, he shouted. "I want to party with the Italian Premier, too" His honor was estored away by his driver, Sinclair D' Fabricator, who had all the while been asleep in the back seat of the stretch limo that he was chauffering with his head buriend in his own lap dreaming of his past conquests.
Mysteriously, the luxurious German made, black limo, trimed with delicate black lace was shrouded from our sources view by an unusually long strands of tangled, frequently bleached, long blond hair, blowing wildly through the opened rooftop window of the "Rented By the Hour - Hot Tub on Wheels" limousine.
"It was a sight to see," stated our source, "to witness all of that billowing head full of hair, at least 48 feet in length, flopping in the breeze like a Chinesse Kite in a Spring Hail storm. It was flapping behind the careening vehicle as it raced through one red light after another," in a riotious rout to get to the George Clooney's Christian Swingers Party that was just about to start at the Fairey's mansion, just over the hill a mile or two, reported our newly promoted senior reporter, Sebastian Dangerfiel-Fairey.
The next morning, rumors abounded around downtown Mildew's "Feed & Mead" shop that "The Donald" was in town lining up potential delegates for the upcoming presidential convention, and, it was later learned, that "The Donald" was also on the hunt for a younger wife to replace his current one, who's expiration date is fast approaching now that she has reached age of 42.
NOTE TO READERS, POTENTIAL LITIGANTS AND THE CURIOUS:
This article was fully vet-ed with extensive collaboration from several winos who were incarcerated at the same time with the principals ingloriously mentioned in this disgusting piece. It is the finding of our esteemed, but, nearly expired, editorial board that due to it's writer history of petrification this article validity is reproachable. However, like our hero, Fox TV Network News, our Journalistic Standard, like there's, is the lowest in the industry. Therefore, we remain true to our motto: " WE DISTORT - YOU DECIDE!"
The Pigeon Report is not known for it credibility, or veracity. Rather it is saluted for publishing the "gritty, grainy" stories that legitimate Journalists might term as "Yellow Journalism," but, here, at the asylum - er - Institution we believe as our hero, The Great Urinalist, Gary Burbank, that when it comes to news, "YOUR NEED TO KNOW SUPERSEDE YOUR RIGHT TO EXIST!"
Flocking off! The warden- er- governor is headed this way and he seems upset about something. PIGEON OUT - ligts off!