Pastor Terry is that tall, awkward, backwoods looking, long gated, internationally famous, Burn The Crayon, self-appointed preacher and leader of the infamous, but, misguided flock of the FAMILY-MEMBERS -ONLY CHURCH, know to the FBI as that Great White Tacky Southern Baptist, Barn-Sided Catheral in The Hills.
However, its official title is: "Burn The Crayon! Burn The Torah! Burn The Mormon And The Roman Catholic Bibles, Too. Burn Them Baby, Do It, Do Do. Burn Baby Burn! Torch The Hall - Burn Them All - Even The Unholy Writings on the Bathroom Wall - Burn Then All! The Encyclopedia Britannica and Most of All, The Damnable McGuffey's Reader."
"The MC Giffy Reader," our unintelligible source, reported, "was included in the Pastor's List of Books To Be Damned And Burned," because according to our much-clubbed, simple-minded reporter, Anonymous, "the Pastor suffered a frightful childhood incident that still traumatizes him to this very day."
"Perhaps", offered our nearly literate source, "if fully understood, it might explains why this man of God, Guns and Evangelical Born Again Christianity hates gays, loves to burn stuff up and suffer with his life-long compulsion to suck on wooden match sticks."
Our lowly-placed, anonymous source, explained: "When Pastor Terry was a cute little, long underwear wearing, clod hopper attired school boy; in addition, to beating up the other students, he was the sad victim of a very mean, male homosexual teacher who caught him blowing Bubbles in the boys bathroom, and, when Bubbles confessed to the teacher, the teacher was Mad-As-Hell-Jealous, Girl.
"Imagine, sweet-peas", our anonymous source, continued, "that spurned, dried up, prune face of an unsatisfied teacher held the dirt poor, little Terry back for six consecutive years, water boarding him each time until poor Pastor Terry learned to like it; delaying his educational growth and putting the future pyromaniac in the same classroom with his father, Cletis?"
The suspicious source added, (although we asked him not to say anymore): "Gods knows what else that socialist, union loving prevert of a lazy public school, over-paid teacher did to the little budding fire starter as they held hands together singing hymns and showering together in the boys restroom where they often played Dunk the Apple after school when all the other children went home."
Our reporter was so moved by this story that he cried like a little school girl, which, of course, he is. (We, here, at the Pigeon Report, can't afford to pay our girls big salaries like FOX TV NETWORK NEWS, our idol.
"I see traumatized written all over this story," giggled our unprofessional source, Anonomous, who demanded that we keep his name confidential, "to guard my identity, because I have been a victim many time of Identity Theft - once even by myself," he explained, though no one was really interested or wanted to hear any more. We all just wanted him to leave, but, he did not and demanded anonymity.
Naturally, we agreed to keep his identify unknown to the public, but not to our friends, family, colleagues and drinking buddies at our favorite watering hole, "Drink All Damn Day, Bastards". We agreed to the sanctity's and understand the need of privatising rumors and did so, knowing full well, that the good, country Pastor is a pistol-packing, bible-thump-er with an itchy finger and access to cheap Wal-Mart ammo. Bravely, we pushed our source forward and told him to take all the risks, shielding the institution from lawsuits. He agreed after we beat him unconscious.
Pastor Terry, we discovered in our 60 second investigation, is an avowed self confessed, repressed homo, his self. His goal in life, according to our anonymous source, is to " take an (expletive deleted) big ass, acetelyne blow torch and burn the hell out of that liberal, sinful, incorrect, unfounded scientific theory GLOBAL WARMINGand single handily French Fry all of its adherents."
The good, Goofy looking pastor of the 32 member strong, Inbred Family-Members Only church, (comprised mostly of slow fire starters), "just dang gum it, cain't stand environmentalists," noted our anonymous source, who we had politely asked to leave several times. "They are agents of the Devil," our source said, and, without our encouragement reported that the good Pastor Terry shook his fist in the air to emphasis his point by knocking out his own Deacon (Mrs. Pastor) with one punch!
The potential violence rekindled our interest (which like your is waning) in this story and its possible potential to attract more than three readers to our maligned publication. We reversed ourselves by putting on our pants on backward that signaled to the tied-up reporter that would be untagged and encouraged him to go on with the his boring, liberal trash talking story of a Great White Hill-Billy American.
"The Pastor," our thrice indicted source lisped, "has longings of a manly nature for the day when he may get the honors to set fires freely, and, hopefully, one day be chosen to light the Annual Family Values - Bonn Fire Of Books, produced yearly by the group of Southern leaders known as the Koch Brother Evangelicals Who Have Successfully Infiltrated The Tea Republicans Party."
This annual event is so huge in the Deep Asleep South that it is endorsed by the Chamber of Commerce, the nuts at the National Rifle Association, Vice President Dick Cheney, and most, if not all, of the Right Righteous, Extreme-Right, Tight Ass-Right Wing of the Conservative Branch of the new Republicans splinter group, Racists Are People Too, Tutu! Party.
Our source continued, (even though we asked him not to again), by adding this indictable tidbit: "That Great Southern, God loving, simple ninded hilljack & proud of it, self-made Pastor Terry, wants to incinderate the enemies of God on the front lawn of his new Temple Of The Naked Nazarene - JESUS H CHRIST church, built with generous gifts from Rupert Murdoch, The Koch Brothers and all of the nice folks at Democratic-Hating, Anti-Gay, Anti Semitic Fox TV Network News, whose support to the church could only come through anonymous sources and off-shore secret accounts for tax reasons.
The pastor, we understand, (though it has not been confirmed), currently is burning books every Wednesday Night at the new Southern Evangelical Baptist, Christians Born-Again Three-Times, Barn-Sided Catheral where he also sleep. The Pastor has vowed to continue his practice of "burning stuff until HELL FREEZES OVER or, he get charged again as a Fire Bug", reported our too talkative, smoke covered source. "The pastor is gonna keep burning stuff until he is raptured", he exclaimed. Which this correspondent hopes is real soon.
"I maybe ain't right in the head, but, that don't make me no fire bug," the Pastor artlessly said to our unknown and unknowable source. "I jest loves burnin' stuff! Always did and always will, ever since I accidentally burned my MAMA up in that fire that I sat in the chicken coop, where she slept."
The God fearin', good christian Pastor explained that he was, (according to his unauthorized bio), "reading my favorite comic book, Joan of Arc: Burning At The Stake, and, jest wanted to experience what a fire like the one on the cover of my 10 cent comic book felt like."
So, according to our disreputable source (is there any other kind) - claims that the Good, self-appointed Pastor built a big fire out of the siding on his mothers hen house, dis-remembering that she was asleep inside. He didn't do it on purpose, but he did inherit a lot of money to start his church.
Publishers Aside: We, here, at the PIGEON REPORT, have taken a vow to never allow our sources name to cross our lips/beaks - even if we do know who it is and the Reverend Oral Fleece says that it is OK to release his name, we honor our journalistic vow and will not. Despite the fact that source, Reverend Fleece, works for us as a part-time janitor and full-time hand towel in the Men's room.
Further, We, Pledge Allegiance To Remain "Mum and Dumb" on giving up (insert name here ) Reverend Oral Fleece's name, at all cost. Our Journalistic creed "We Distort - You Decide!" is augmented and strengthened by our dedication to the Journalism our Code of Ethics: "YOUR RIGHT TO KNOW SUPERSEDES YOUR RIGHT TO EXITS!" which we purloined from Gary Burbank, of the famous (BBC) Burbank Broadcasting Corporation. Thanks, Gary!
("I'm suing you!" was cabled to our HQ from BBC HQ. We are still processing the meaning of the cable and will share it with you as quickly as our leader gets out of the can! Good Day, And That's The Way It Is!, from all of us at the Bird Dropping Institution).
Despite the fact that we went off the air, ten minutes ago, our near crazy source babble and babble on. (I had to leave to get more coffee and wine).
"Pastor Terry," noted our neurotic, super-secret source, (who identify we swore to protect), "is little understood and a whole lot more coo-coo than you might imagined. That big hulk of hillbilly cheese is just a softie, if you know what I mean."
"Yep," echoed Reverend Oral, who confessed to having a crush on Pastor Terry, and admited to us that he is the "source of our discreditable information," to our great chargrine.
"My God," Pearlie Sue-Sue, my toothless wife said, "he's been standing next to you tell the stupid story. Ain't you got no brains!" she asked in that harsh manner that I fell in love with back in the 19 and 50's.
"Please, don't use double negatives in mixed company. You know how that turns me on?" I replied softly in an aborted attempt to get control of the situation.
But, to no avail, the voice inside my head, "Rev Fleece", said that he has known "Pastor Terry his entire pyromaniac burning-in-hell life". It turns out that they were childhood buddies, neighbors and sweethearts back in the day 'afore they knew what "gay" is and both learned to hate that about each other.
Our source, confidentially confided, to us, that "Pastor Terry, bastard", that is how his childhood lover/friend/neighbor andreligious collague refered to him. "Apparently, they had a fallin' out and the bastard turned to his loved of playing with matches and exotically fondling fires. "And, I suspect he will always," predicted Oral Fleece, our secret source, who is still, after all these years, spitten. Oddly, the Reverend Oral Fleece, a fellow arsonist, lit the newspaper that he was studying as he chatted with us and explained that it was his custom to do thus, so as he could practice his Speed Reading Technique forcing himself to read faster before it burns up. "That a technique that public education if they weren't so stuck on socialism should pick up and share with young one," suggested the reved up Reverend. It was at that precise point that the editor smacked down the good Reverend and called him all kinds of names, except white.
Reverend Oral Fleece, who ask us to keep his name confidential for fear of reprisals, gave us all of the dirt on his good, Christian, Pistol- Packing-Pastor friend, behind a bolted, closed door, in a Hush-Hush meeting that, we swear, will always remained sealed in the vault, as Elaine, on Seinfeld, loved to say: "It's in the Vault," then, she would pantomime zippering her mouth shut. You remember, don't ya? So, we adopted this policy, too. It's in the Vault. No one is gonna get it from in their. In the Vault, yeserie, do dad.
Once again, the manical Reverend started into an unreceptive monologue about his former friiend and really, real close buddie, Pastor Terry.
"For starters, you see, his real name ain't Pastor Terry! Who the Hell give a kid the first name of Pastor? No, brothers and socialist leaning sisters, his real name is is Terry, Terry Pastor, The Bastard. After he became famous, he reversed it to Pastor Terry to save the aggravation and waste of time in going to a Bible College, cause he can't read anyways. Pastor Terry sounds more professional and, now today, he is a legend in his own mind. He just dropped the bastard part of his formal name because that is what most people outside of his family call him anyways and it would be redundant."
We, of the less than prestigious PIGEON REPORT were stunned to learn that Pastor Terry was a book writer and pamphleteer. His literary works are list below in Crayon:
BURN THEM AT THE STAKES - (Pastor Terry's & God Plan for Non-believers.) It was a Tea-Republican Choice Awards Winner in 2008!
BURN IN HELL! (The gripping, unabridged, unauthorized autobiography that Pastor Terry is releasing in installments through TV evangelical out-lets, area Head Shops and the numerous public baths. It tells of the frightening story of a life of hate and a love of the ring of fire.)
I Burn - You Burn, We All Sunburn! What The Hell? - Still in development, but, opted by the Koch Brothers for the movie rights. "The Donald" snatched up the "air-rights" immediately when Trump was in town holding auditions for a new wife. (Gals between the ages of 14 to 24, who have all their teeth and may still be available despite their advance matrimonial years should call: 1-800 I Am Super Rich, Bitch! for details).
"Wow," continued our source, despite repeated instructions not to: "Who would have thunk it that? he Donald was baptised three times by Pastor Terry? Not I? Not even Trump, but, Marsha Maypoles did. And, that is how Pastor Terry and Trump, 'The Fire Loving Chump,' as the good Pastor calls him, got acquainted.
Pastor Terry is known in the South as, "the Hot, Oily, Hill-Billy, Gun Toting, Back Woods Preacher From Hell, Georgia," who ignornantly burned The Crayon by mistake, really pissing off the folks at CrayolaCompany before the slow witted Pastor figured out that it was supposed to be burning the Muslim bible, The Koran. That's what would get headlines, not burning The Crayon, and ignite WW III. "It's an easy mistake to make when you are a dumb, 6' 3", Hill-Billy with a third grade education", our source and he was being beaten and told for the hundredthtime, " . . . to!".
"But", our now extremely intoxicated source, brazenly prattled on: "Let it be known far and near that the Pastor is not stupid! Nor, is he queer. He just looks, both; acts, talks and likes manly things. But, schmucks thad don't make him stupidA He can recite all his letters with out assistance from the teacher and he ain't prejudice neither. He jest hates every one":
Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Hindus, Presbyterians, Homos, Democrats, Liberals, Free Thinkers, Marijuana Smokers, Tree Hugger, Yankees, Foreigners, You-Tube Users, Internet Abusers, Writers, Socialists and Newsvine Whiners!"
Our source, despite being clubbed into a coma continued, unabashedly: "But, don't let that make you think Pastor Terry is an empty headed idiot, a no-nothings, back woods preacher. He is more than that. Pastor Terry is also the holder of the world's first White JAC ASS Award, plus, he is a known numismatist, world class stamp and button-hole lick-er champion. The Pastor (pronounced bastard, the French version) holds the record for the worlds longest church name, published in The Guinness Book of Recorded Liars, 2010 edition..
"He is not a pyromania," repeatedly shouted our comatose source. "Pastor Terry is fire itself!", he said. "Where ever that man is . . . somethings is catching on fire! I guaranteed - even if it just the Men's Wear-house clothing store."
Some people, with less Christian charity, than the simplistic editorial Board of the Bird Droppings Institute, may accuse Pastor Terry of coming "Straight From Hell!" But, we don't. We think he is from the New Jersey State Mental Institution where he escaped in 1963.
Our team of Registered Offenders, here, at the Institution, have independently confirmed the above stated, vetted twice information and know for a fact - that it is fact-less, but, we printed it anyways cause we have space to fill and we are worthless liberals that don't know any better.
"It isn't that Pastor Terry likes to start fires - no, it's the thin, cold blood coarsing through his thick hardened arteries, the result of shooting-up bile as a wayward young delinquent and his many years spent Earnest-well as a decadent as a chicken hawk that has caught up with him and forces him uncontrollably seek the heat on lonely nights when he sleep alone and not with the chicken," concluded our source, motor mouth Reverend Oral Fleece, the habitual talker.
"That bile)is what poisoned his minature sized brain and makes him shiver all the time," according to our disturbed, unknown source and often jealous rival, the Very Reverend Oral Fleece, Straight From The Street and Not From The Police!"
"You see," explained, The Good Reverend Fleece of the Church of the How Big Is Your Wallet? How Small Is Your Brain? Also know as the Easter Island Statues Assembly of Sworn Charlatans, to the Police's Fraud Division, Pastor Terry's real name is Terry Pastor, but, he is dyslectic and calls himself Pastor Terry cause he really is a dumb ass! Always got things mixed up, that kid".
"Yep, we go way back to Cemetery College where we bunked together as roommate, as was the fashioned back in the day, not that we were gay, or anything, except for that one night of experimentation." (Wednesday night).
The Cemetery - Cold Storage School for Convicted Felons, Fire Bugs and Freaks is know in the Deep Asleep parts of the South for stacking one student on top of another. That's why many of us choose this school. It's also a clever way to teach students the stacking technique that would make them a fortune when they became full functioning cemetery employee and stacked their corpses one on top of the other.
After all, it's a form of re-cycling, using the same cemetery plot over and over again at little or no expense to the operator. "Stack Them Six Feet High-Don't Look In Their Eyes - Shish Koom Boom By - Or You'll Catch a Sty", is our Alma Mater's rally cry. It is engraved over the door way of every door in the entire school, in hand painted Hill-Billy English, so, folks that shouldn't know it secret meaning - didn't. I miss those days and Reverend Terry big hairy arms", whimpered our source now hooked up to a portable life-support machine.
Disclaimer: We have gleamed most, if not all, of this information from our source, when he gave a brief public speech the other night, lasting seventeen hours to a small group of ca-ta-tonic mute patients, here, at the Less Than Prestigious Bird Dropping Institute, A THINK TANK FOR SMART ALEC'S WHOPPED DAILY BY DUMB BULLIES. We have been advised that these country yokels are now receiving their much over due pay back. The former victims have turned the tables on the bullies BY HACKING INTO THEIR BANK ACCOUNTS & DRAINING THE SUCKERS DRY!
What information that we could not verify, we just made up!
PUBLISHER NOTE: No part of this article can be reproduced, folded or shown without first washing ones mouth out with SOAP!
P.S: This Epistle is dedicated to my sister, Carolyn Land-is Roberts Pigeon, 1939 - May 10, 2011 who has joined the Great Pigeon In The Sky! We'll Keep The Roost Warm For You - Love, Jonathan Livingston Pigeon.