This just in! Hot Off The Wire: The saggy telephone pole wire running parallel to the rusting Alaskan pipeline and directly into the HQ of the Bird Droppings Institute, located in Mildew, Ohio, "right smack dab" in the middle of Johnnie A. Boehner's 8Th Congressional District where there are no jobs because, CRYING Johnnie, the "Weeper of the House," sent them all over sea!
Our source, a non-reporter's reporter, one Monsieur Vetted, is a highly respected, much sought after former IMF "procurer", par excellent. Mister Once-Vetted, Twice-Vilified Monsieur filed this story from his cell (jail) phone in Walesa, Alaska, where he is being sequestered for an upcoming high-profiled, pending morals case, known internationally, as the, "Prostitution Ring Bust And Free Rub Down Operation Gone Horribly Wrong," involving a prominent Alaskan political family member, known only as, "The First Dude" and a really very unattractive "Ho".
Monsieur Bed Wetter, aka, "The Pimp", as he is affectionately called in his specialized and growing profession, is patiently waiting for his own pending indictment to come down, so, he had a lot of time on his hands and, luckily for us, decided to wile his time either endlessly filing away the unifiable iron bars on the windows on his cell, or, less profitable, but, more amusing way of filing "purely false, unfounded and slanderous stories", for the less than prestigious, Pigeon Report.
Monsieur Vetted, code named, due to frequent jail house beatings while on our assignment is our unpaid, unworthy and often undressed correspondent reporting "live" as opposed to "dead" from this vital, too often under-reported, untamed territory known to most Americans only from that horrible B rated movie, NORTH TO ALASKA!
Other, more contemporary political trolls made know it from the new Broadway musical, "I Can Russia From My Vagina", staring a former politician turned has-been reality TV oddity transformed into a "song and dance" hoofer from endless bookings on "Dancing With The Stars."
Monsieur UN-Vetted, least we be forget, is no ordinary slouch; he is the extraordinarily vilified international "pimp" for the "Rich And Famous"; re-counting, as he does, International Money Fund (IMF) manager Strauss-Khan; Italy's naughty premier and California's former Governor-a-nae-tor among his stellar, infamous clients brought to their knees by one or all of his clients.
Our extremely unqualified journalist, but, available reporter, ambled upon the scientific break through of a "life time," while incarcerated for "petty misdemeanor crimes" in Freeze Your Private Parts Off, Alaska, home of Presidential hopeful S. Pal-in, Reality TV Has Been and former first-term drop-out governor.
Monsieur non-Vetted, a Frenchman by choice and a Wanted Poster artists by necessity, is a very "sketchy guy". He learned, nearly first hand, from a jail house "snitch" (and you know how reliable they are) that a group of political scientists toiling in Walesa, Alaska, on a super-secret, hushed-up expedition for four (ever since the Golden Days of the McCain/Pal-in Era), had inadvertently discovered the Missing Link - Politician hidden in plain sight for eons in an abandon, old, narrow Navy mind, not on newsvine.com, as archaeologist had first thought, but, up there in the cold, intellectually adverse Artic air of North To Alaska, where the oxygen is so thin due to excessive exposure to unnecessary "global warnings" signs, PSA and unscientific reports that there are no Democrats, cause they have too much brain power to enter the state!
The "political scientists" working from a generous grant from the Koch Brothers, allegedly, according to our unbelievable source, accidentally discovered this water-shed of an archaeological milestone in a . . . well . . . in a Water-Shed . . . while they were looking for loose change to augment their meager salaries - thanks, in large part, to the sharp knives of the newly elected Tea-Republicans to Congress and everywhere, who have slashed $6,000,000,000,000 from the federal budget and replaced it with slogans, platitudes and colored pictures that they cut themselves from their Evangelical-Born-Again Bed-Side bibles left at all Motel Six-Six-Six's nighty-night, (naughty-naughty), Conservatives-Only night stand/combo "Chamber Pot - where the management stingy policy is instead of wasting energy by needlessly "leaving the lights on for you" - for errant Conservatives looking for a "one night stand" and others, not avers-ed to convoluted run-on-sentences, takes lurid photos of their unsuspecting guests and put them on the Internet for "Fun and Profit."
These shabily attired, dirt-poor "political scientists" claim that they have found an intact frozen, long-haired freak/man/missing link/politician WITH an intact four (4) foot long, blond, comb-over buried in the frozen tundra of Alaska for over 10,000 years. Experts believe that the "Trumped Man," as he is being duped by a band of irate journalists angered over being blamed for the comb-over's dramatic nose dive in the polls, (according to faked hieroglyphics found on clay tablets scattered about the site), is still "yapping - making excuses for his rapid political demise!"
"Trumped Man," according to our highly sought after, incarcerated, but, agile reporter, got his name from a gaggle of giggly garnish eating Flux-Flowing, Fox TV News Apolitical Smack Down Analysts and Hate-Speech Commentators, who obviously had it in for the Missing Link-Politician found frozen in time, circa 1950, because he is an egomaniac narrow minded loggerhead from Wharton Business & Secretarial School For Rich White Kids.
OUR LARGELY UNQUALIFIED, but, imaginative reporter, added in desperation, (TRYING to save his worthless self from a brutal "ass whooping") by thugs hired by the KOCH BROTHERS added more fuel to the fire when he interviewed Pastor Terry, the fire starter, who gave him a hot foot and tried to convert him from atheism to Evangelical Born Three-Times-Again Christian & Gun Theology.
Our impeachable source, non-Vetted source, the French Sketch Artist, lied to us again and again until we developed an appetite for it and desired it daily. Monsieur Vetted, never one to let a client's scratch go un-itched, frequently through out this process, deliberately missed informed our editorial board of misanthropists by stating err-onerously, and in error, "that Fox TV executives, who everyone knows, are pulling the strings in the upcoming presidential election of 2012, said, that "they are finished with the Outed-Trumped Man because he refused to kiss up to them and they declared him void and expired as a politician, but, still has some life left in him as a reality show clown."
Thus, chortled our commentator, as he paced back and forth in his cell in front of a "live" TV broadcast of this historical scientific break through. Later, after we published on-line, our source admitted that he had little to do with the actual event and has lied about it from beginning to end.
The outed, "Trumped Man" thawed out now with the help of that famous Crayon burying fire-bug, Pastor Terry, the Chaplin, hand-selected by the Koch Brothers for this dangerous expedition, will go on display at the new Wax Museum in Harlem, as soon as Trump builds it with federal funds from his socialism loving friends in the Obama administration.
Our misguided, now indicted reporter, confirmed for us, from the confines of his . . . er . . . government quarters, that the Trumped Man can sill be heard wailing nightly whiny the same tired refrain, over and over again, until someone smacked him in the head with a folding chair":
"I COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER!" The outed Trumped Man pouted, at no one in particular, cause, no one in particular was listening to him, no one except our unpaid, discredited moralist, Monsieur non-Vetted, the PIMP!
"I COULD HAVE BEEN A REAL CONTENDER, ROCKY. NOT A FAUX ONE THAT MS-NBC-TV MADE ME INTO. I WOULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT," wailed the still hillwalking-talking, now, thawed-out, Comb-Over From Hell.
"If it wasn't for that Kraut: Charles Kraut-Hammer - the wheel-chair bound little crimp! I WOULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT - BECAUSE IN MY MIND, I ALREADY AM!
" BUT, NO, OUR OWN Party's HATE SPIN-MISTIER, CHARLIE KRAUT-HAMMER HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN MAKE FUN OF MY HAIR. DAMN, I COULD KILL THAT F&^%$#G PRINCIPLED-SPOUTING, TALKING-HEAD."
"THEREFORE, I am anouncing the successful withdraw of my whinny self, great smile and world record holding comb-over from the F&^%($G Tea-Republicans nomination process for THE F&^%$#G President, of the, yet, to be discovered, United States of North, Middle and Central America, and, I will be returning to my job as host of my own Reality TV show, "Celebrity Seals That I Have Wailed Senseless & Young Female Eskimos That I Have Groomed As Potential Future Sister Wives".
The Outed-Trumped-Missing Links Man, ever the self-promoter, explained: "That way you don't have to pay them alimony, make them a "Sisters Wife". Anyone interested call 1-800-I AM RICH!"
As the crowd howled at the moon, downed "shooters" and cried like babies upon hearing these final parting words from the "Out-ed Th-riced Th-rumped-Trumped Man," the comb over pulled himself together and offer this tidbit: ". . . and, of course, I will continue with my Charity work at my foundation, Making Fun of Poor Kids, which is so easy for me, since, I inherited $50 million dollars from my daddy -WORTH ONLY A PALTRY $500,000,000 IN TODAY'S MARKET".
"Poor kids have always held a special place in this ice-cold heart of mine, right next to my wallet," he pounded his chest for emphasis until several of his frozen fingers fell off.
"Again, I would like to personally thank Pastor Terry, (who married Marlo and I), and whose distinguished life time of burning stuff enabled this lousy group of misfits and so called, Political Scientist, WHO HELPED TO thaw me out after all of these years frozen in time!"
His words and breathe can still be heard and seen, frozen in the cold Ar-tic air, as if nature had CARVED each individual WET BREATHALYSE-LY spoken word into gigantic ice cubes of foul breathe that read:
"I COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER! I COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER, ROCKY, INSTEAD OF A FAUN ONE FOR CNN TVS AMUSEMENT. I COULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I AM PRESIDENT IN MY OWN MIND AND If THAT CRIPPLED UP KRAUT - KRAUTHAMMER HADN'T MADE FUN OF ME, I WOULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT!
THEREFORE, FOR THE SAKE OF SCIENCE, (POLITICAL), MY FAMILY (ME) AND BECAUSE I WAS GETTING MY GLUTTON'S MAXIMUS (ASS) HANDED TO ME ON A SILVER PLATTER (OBAMA), I AM ANNOUNCING MY SUCCESSFUL WITHDRAW FROM THE RACE (HUMAN)."
DISCLAIMER: No part of this transcript is true and only the names of the innocents were changed to Poke Fun at the Rich, The Powerful: The Republican Elite, in a purely civil manner.