As many of my readers know, I am a world Renowned wino-psycho who has psychic abilities that enable me to read a person's mind even if I don't have one myself.
This is what I heard, word for word, from John (Pretty Boy) Edward's press conference regarding his indictment for diverting political contributions of only $958,000 to his scrawny ass mistress, the fake film maker, Ruehle What's her name.
The funds were paid to John's unattractive mistress by an attractive male operative who got the money from two nearly senile political contributors that donated a total of $1,000,000 towards Edward's failed Democratic Presidential nominee as a "pretty boy" for the office of the President of the United State of America during the 2008 election cycle.
Warning: The content of this Revelation should be held up to the light for twelve hours straight before the full intend is reveal to the true believers. Others, may find that after six hours of motionless standing they may require immediate medical attention. Please, you, Chicken Little, you, get it, but, don't mention this article to non-indicted heathens.
JOHN EDWARDS, FORMER DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE INDICTED FOR POLITICAL FRAUD & HAVING SEX WITH AN UGLY WOMAN ON HIS STAFF held a press conference prior to the announcement of his indictment and this is a word for word translated and extrapolated (whatever that means) version of that Press Conference as it passed threw the filter of tarnished mind of a dirty old man, Jonathan Livingston Pigeon, Psycho-Psychic!
No part of this copyrighted, verbal, bowel movement may be reproduced, burned or read aloud without first washing your mouth out with a strong medicinal, preferably a Gin & Tonic with lime slice.
EDWARDS approaches the throng of microphones, wipes fake tears from his eyes, without messing up his facial make up, checks out his hair in his reflection from the thousands of TV cameras from FOX TV NETWORK NEWS on location in North Carolina to milk every morsel out of this fallen Democrat . JOHN EDWARDS SPEAKS FROM THE HEART AND OTHER ORIFICES:
"Thank you, Mouseketiers for coming. I never did. Not even once. That is why I contested the paternity of my off-spring with what's her name, Ruler, the woman that I now hate for ruining my career as a womanizer and stopping my gravy train.
"I AM SO GLAD THAT MICKEY MOUSE is not here to see how far I have fallen. I know that he and his creator, Walt Disney, would be so ashamed of me. I AM ASHAMED OF MYSELF. I am a democrat what do you expect? Am I not human, if your prick me - do I not bleed?
Let me just say this about that, I am so sorry for the wrong that I did. I should have given that b-word a full million dollar like she asked for and not tried to cheat her out of a few thousand dollars which really pissed her off. You know what they say about a lover spurned - they can burn ya. The scorned S-word.
Reuhle gets "quite ugly" when she is mad, which is most of the time, and, never having had a decent job before she and I "hooked up". She was so innocent and naive when we meet in the men's room and so unsure of how to turn a camera on. I helped her because honestly I have turned a lot of camera on in America. Ruehle was really looking at our "political collaboration," run for as I ran for the White house as her meal ticket to a full course buffet where she could just pull her chair up to the serving line and never have to get up off her lazy, fat ass, again!
Therefore, I am announcing that I am running for President in 2012 as a Conservative Republican and I am actively searching for a female cinematographers to film our Journey together. The Two America - One is for the Rich. The Other is for all the B-words.
Thus ended the transcription due to "Doctored" Jonathan Livingston Pigeon falling to sleep from imbibing too much cheap wine.